Well I started writing something back in September and then I was whipped into a vortex of shifting my reality of one life to begin a complete other one somewhere else. It all started with this blog I wrote yet never posted.........
I am getting closer and closer to the depths of truth about what it is I am actually embarking on. The Universe Herself is leading me towards the possibility of opening my own shop and beginning my own business and I am starting to get closer to the actual truth of what needs to be done if this is to truly manifest into physical form. If truth be told I am beginning to notice the old feelings of anxiety beginning to creep up especially quickly right now.
I have had so many grand dreams before and so many of them never really surfaced into any kind of sustainable reality.The fear around this one is that I am dealing with money to a much bigger degree and there is much more responsibility along with that. Do I truly have this in my bones to be able to handle this responsibility? If I start this and follow it through there is no easy way to pull out and say "oh I think this might not be such a good idea after all" If I keep going down this road it means I have to work extra hard and stretch my imagination and creativity beyond any boundaries I had set between me and my dreams iin the past. It means I have to fully step into my power and will not have any room for doubt and insecurity. There will be no more playing around.
I think today I have actually realized the enormity of what it is I am beginning to follow. I ask myself often am I really ready for this? Am I really capable of handling this kind of responsibility? I will be opening this store by myself. I will have to deal with the problems and I will not have others to lean on to rescue me. I will have to be resourceful and I will have to deal with whatever issues and questions come up along the way. I know it is of the utmost importance I do not try and go this alone. I have to allow others to support me and I have to be comfortable with getting out there and asking questions.
I feel the fear that my characteristic of being an introvert and not very good socially is going to get in the way of being able to follow this through successfully. Most often in the past I was the quiet one. I think of going out with my friend and she was always the social one asking questions and making connections while I stood in the background listening and observing. Am I really ready to stand in the foreground and speak openly to others? To speak confidently about my service and what I have to offer? Am I truly ready for this? Or is this another one of my facades and unwritten stories?
I guess all in all in the end it truly is up to me. It is my choice about whether I am prepared to push myself hard enough to push past these insecure thoughts and fears and open myself in ways I have never done. The question again I ask is Am I truly ready to take this kind of leap?.............
So that was where I left off. Now I live in a new town with a new job and being gifted with opportunities to bring together what I need to create my own center. Trees and other aspects of nature have been such teachers to me. I have got to share some of the images of the trees, earth and rocks that have spoken to me in the last couple months as I have begun to cross the threshold of familiarity and security into the unknown.
To be still for so many ages. Her ear to the earth she listens and is.
Ancestors. Time.
The creation of shape
naturally taking place over many millennia
oh as humans
the patience.....
The trees are dancing...
without question of what comes next.
They do not stop the dance
simply because they are losing all their splendor and beautiful leaves.
They simply are.
Nature.
Herself.
All life. All seasons.
Ancient mysteries?
... mysteries
contemplating
allowing
Her
Essence
to take shape
to become
to allow
the beauty of the earth
meeting sky
conduits of energy
of life
releasing Her cloak
of splendor
Her arms outstretched and celebrating life.
Telling me to embrace the cycle
of all seasons.
Even the season
of death and decay.
There is an obvious beauty in the transformation from one life to the next.....
The struggle for me has been walking each day without understanding of what comes next as I lose all "my leaves", no plan, no specific ideas of what action to take next. No outline of what to bring forward and what to leave behind. This is not the time to know. I must allow the leaves to just fall and stand here bare, raw. The future is in front of me like some bottomless canyon.
I must leave self behind.
All that I have done is strewn somewhere down there in the void.
I too am Nature Herself
I must embrace the cycle
I must be right here
right now
letting death come
and move ever so slowly
letting the shapes of Life form
birthing themselves
in the right time
Her time
Samhain
winter
silence
it approaches
now is not the time
I am at peace
today
I hear and see
the trees
the earth
the rocks
the animals
now
I am
Here goes I....
Blessed Be!
