I love those mornings where it is okay to lumber in bed and move little. I find it is the greatest time for receiving insight from the dream world and from that empty space between night and day. It is a gateway of sorts. A gate of power from one “moment of time” to another; the shifting of time, similar to the shifting of one season to another. We have been preparing ourselves for the dark season and now it feels like it is coming upon us very quickly. It is time to connect with ourselves in a deeper, inward way.

This morning though I woke up feeling a strong pull to go running. I have not been a “runner” for very long so when I saw the rain I was apprehensive at first to move at all. I have not yet run in the rain. I actually used to be someone who thought “those who run in the rain must be crazily obsessed”. It makes me laugh now how quickly I was to develop judgements about people. Now I am one of them!

While I was running there were some striking realizations I received from the running itself and the myriad of leaves that had fallen on the path.  I realized that my experience of this run was once again a parallel in many ways to life as it is right now, to the process I am moving through in strengthening my skills as an herbalist, coach or facilitator; and to the process of honouring and releasing the old and opening myself to the new.

Being a beginner runner I have to be conscious of balancing the pull to keep running and the need to break and walk periodically to provide my body with hydration. Initially, I resist even going, and when I do, for about 10 minutes it is extremely difficult to keep going at all. My body feels tired and weak and it does not give me any immediate pleasure. I have to push myself. There are moments my mind is telling me I am nuts and other times where I do not feel I can go on. Everything aches and my breathing is staggered. I remind myself to attend to the guidelines my trainer has suggested. Relax my shoulders, straighten my back, let my arms relax. Breathe through my nose. Feel my feet pushing 'back' on the earth in order to allow Her to support me as I take my next step forward. I and the earth work together. 

Each time I attend to these suggestions I feel stronger and more balanced. I feel able to keep going. There are definitely those times where I meet  walls that feel insurmountable but when I push myself beyond them I feel like I have passed through another gateway. I have pushed myself a little beyond what I thought I could do. I begin to “feel” differently. I feel the trees and the earth’s heartbeat. I feel the leaves as they fall and I feel those that have already fallen.

There are imprints in the mud where some of the leaves have landed. So many people have trodden over this path that some leaves have already begun to transform into something beyond themselves. Their original form has died, crumpled up and disintegrated. They have sunk back into the earth and are becoming part of the collective energy of the mud beneath our feet. They are no longer “only” a leaf. Not once did they struggle and resist. Not once did they fear their fate, the unknown of what was yet to come. They just were. Oh to be a leaf!

In some ways we are the leaf…..we are a leaf...with consciousness. Being human, with conscious awareness I am being presented with many things to contemplate at this gateway; this time of letting go, of dropping down into darkness. Am I committed to the herbs? Truly committed? Am I committed to being of service in whatever way She asks? How is the Universe showing me what to bring with me into the next cycle? Are their friends in my life that hinder me/ are unhealthy for me that I need to let go of? Or are there gifts I have received as confirmation these friends must come along? Am I able to allow? To allow things to fall away and regenerate into something new? I can feel the doors are opening. I feel tremors of change in the horizon, yet am I prepared to wait and listen in the darkness, to move with the natural rhythms of Life Herself, and be with what arises? Can I walk slowly through the gates of power, in the shadows and the starlight? 

Can I trust there is always a light that will guide me?

I think of a prayer in Thorn Coyle’s book “Evolutionary Witchcraft”, a powerful meditation/prayer during those times we must give ourselves over and walk through the dark.

“Holy Mother with whom we live, move, and have our being, from you all things emerge and unto you all things return….

Open our hearts this blessed day. Touch our bodies and our minds. Walk with us through the gates of power, in shadow and starlight, wind on the ocean and the sweet kiss of life.

Blessed be our journey.”

I know not where I am going, I receive hints along the way and I listen. I am committed to doing the work, to following the path and honor the changes. I accept all that arises and learn how to integrate the words of wisdom passed on to me. I am willing to be with all that is. I am willing to surrender, to allow myself to fall and become whatever I am meant to be.

Are you willing? 

Are you willing to be the leaf? 

That's all it takes. 

Willingness. 

To be open, to see the world differently.

Death can be so beautiful!

All we are asked is to do our best. No one is judging us except ourselves. We have it within us. We can be here. One little step at a time. With love. One little step at a time.

Blessed be your journey…. into darkness….the turning of the wheel.