...and so there is Light

Good Gracious.

This must be what its like when they talk in those "How to be a Writer" books that if you truly want to write you have to show up and begin writing whether you "feel" like it or not...whether you think you have something to write about. Or not.

This is a little tougher to do than I imagined.

Once a week I said.

Once a week can't be that challenging.

I do recall that some time ago I set the intent for this blog to be about developing a healthier lifestyle, eating healthier food

...and about commitment.

Appears it has become much more about commitment than anything else.

Well, I can certainly say focusing on commitment is pushing me beyond some limits. I feel like I am being somewhat of my younger belligerent self and wanting to rebel against authority and say, "No! I don't want to come out today! I want to do what I want to do!....I want to do what I feel like doing!"

I am guessing that is probably why I never really stayed with anything..... I gave away too much of my power to this younger rebellious toddler or teen within my self. (not sure which one to be honest!)

Discipline.

Ha.
 
Yea. Right.

Yet....

I am here. :)

I choose to be here.

Its been going kinda like this:

I sat in the mud and allowed myself to be there. Trusting and doing what I had been "asked". Feeling awful, feeling sick, dredging through the sludge. After about a week I came out of being "in the mud" and now I feel SUPERBLY aligned with Creator. Ready and willing to act on the new.

I recognize more fully how this is an ever present pattern....the depth of stillness or the "dead end" seems to always open up to the equivalent depth of openness once I move through it.

Fascinating really. Makes those times of being in the mud much much easier every single time I experience this...especially when I trust and stay cognizant of the natural pattern of things while I am sitting in the muck, at the "dead end."

So.... Here I am a week later.

I feel like I have been gifted with this sleek beautiful "car" that has this AMAZING accelerator. I put my foot ever so slightly on the pedal and within seconds I am off, moving at a thrilling speed of 150 km/hr.

I am open. Ideas and action are flowing. I am cooking, dehydrating, making and packaging remedies, planning a "sister" business to Hearth and Soul, spending more time with my daughters, going to hypnosis (with Wyn A Andress - Consulting Hypnotist - enlightening and powerful!).... clearing old belief systems, foreseeing a broader vision/dream that I want to begin and explore......expansion, inspiration, expansion....

I am elated. One idea streams into another and before I know it I am moving towards 15 different visions and ideas that are streaming through my head.  They ALL connect and it feels like everything is coming full circle. The excitement is bubbling as I see AMAZING potential for personal and collective change.

I am off to the races.

Ah.

But.....

This time I see it.

This time the wiser part of me, the "Sage" is present. This time I am not alone.

This time... I am part of a community and I am sharing, I am talking and I am sharing my vulnerabilities. I am not only giving...I am allowing myself to be vulnerable -  receiving incredible wisdom and support from those around me (and within).

Astonishing really. I am always amazed how much I learn. I had no idea how speaking my truth and exposing my "shadow" last post would open the door to such deeper relationships. Stepping into a place of receptivity and vulnerability, instead of always living with an expectation of being centered and conscious, shifts the balance in my relationships, opens my heart to others so much more. What a blessing! <3

I realize as well that when one receives shiny new "toys", one must treat it with mindfulness and respect.

....and with Full Presence and Power.

Being Conscious and Mindful.

I am a little scared as I am being invited to yet again step a little deeper and more public into my power as well...to take more risks, to face yet even more uncomfortable situations and feelings.

I went to a seminar at McMaster with Olivia Chow and amongst many things she spoke frankly about how much we need women leaders and mentors. I know I have walked through a very long story and I know its time. I know it is time for me to step up as the woman I am capable of being. I know that's a lot of what this is about. 

I also know that I have to learn to continue walking through the fear of being in my power.

Walking through.

Not feeling the fear and spending all my time analyzing the fear and figuring out how to manage it.....but simply noticing the fear, discerning the truth of the fear, acknowledging and thanking it and continuing to focus on the task at hand. Moving forward....

With mindfulness.....

with meditation.

Its been a little while since I meditated in the morning.

I am beginning again.

I started out this morning's meditation with reading a small excerpt today in Mark Nepo's book and found the topic quite interesting.

It was about  Greed.

He says this:

"We suffer, often unknowingly, from wanting to be in two places at once, from wanting to experience more than one person can. This is a form of greed, of wanting everything. Feeling like we're missing out on something or that we're being left out, we want it all. But, being human, we can't have it all. The tension of this can lead to an insatiable search, where our passion for life is stirred,  but never satisfied. When caught in this mindset, no amount of travel is enough, no amount of love is enough, no amount of success is enough"

I would like to add that we also caught in the mindset that we are never enough...we are just simply never enough as we are. period.

I believe I may have been here...with greed...without even knowing it. Always wanting more. Always feeling like I had to do it all NOW....for if I didn't I might not get there, I might lose it all. Hold on tight and don't let go.

Perhaps, this is why I am now able to accept this new "car" with grace and consciousness....perhaps that is why I have even been gifted with the "car". Perhaps I at some level know I am ready.

I am learning I am enough.

It is enough.

There is enough.

Enough for all of us to go around.

With full presence and an openness of heart....

pushing ever so slightly on the gas pedal I move forward at a moderate/ yet vibrant speed...trusting I am seeing all I need to see ....doing all I need to do.....until I see the sign

the sign to slow down, brake and pause.... just a little

then I observe, breathe and be.....and start up again....ever so slightly, holding firmly/yet loosely on the wheel.

Turning my head to listen to my guide who always sits beside me and simply (lol), with faith, moving ahead from there.

Yet again, ever so slightly.

Blessed be my friends!

Thanks for being a part of my journey.

Love.

Sage