Just...Showing Up

Well....

Last week I mentioned how this was feeling like the beginnings of a relationship.....and I committed to writing this blog every week. It feels important for me to follow through with that right now...so here I am...

...exactly as I am.

I am realizing with commitment to any relationship there are going to be some tough times and as we are meeting those tough times face to face we have a choice...(actually we have many choices). Which path are we choosing to take as we "be with" the tough time.

As I posted on Facebook this past week I feel like since Mercury went Retrograde I have felt like I walked into a Jumanji game.

I can honestly say that precisely to the day, I felt a shift happen within me. All that liveliness and initiative I had been feeling felt like it was sucked right out of my system and I fell in to this shadow zone of

nothing...

retreat....and

emptiness.

Sometimes it scares me when I have nothing left, no energy to keep moving. It scares me that it won't pass. If I allow myself to be in this space of "nothing", of not growing or getting better at something than I might stay exactly where I am and I won't evolve as a person. If I do that I might always have this pain I have been experiencing in my body lately or I might never achieve the level of health I am seeking, or I might never move out of this paralysis and never succeed in my business....

We could call this perfectionism, or fear or sabotage..... Perhaps its that deep conditioning instilled within me about constant movement and progress towards our goals or those years of training that I was never good enough. I would call that patriarchal thinking.....it definitely does not sound like the teachings of the Feminine that I have been embracing in my life.

I have always had a history of being hard on myself. Always "striving" to do better or "be" better than I am.  I "should" be doing this or I "should" be doing that.

Whose voices are those really anyway? Are they sincerely mine? What if instead I paused long enough to listen and ask instead what is it that I feel I need right now? ...and...which aspect of myself is expressing that? Maybe "I" have been moving through so much change/ doing so much that a different part of myself is seeking some attention. If I want peanut butter and bread perhaps I need to pause and ask why is it this part of myself is seeking this comfort? What is it that I truly need right now?

I fully realize that I often repeat myself in these blogs and I am okay with that. Life is not linear. As I become aware of something it does not mean it is now gone. It has just moved through one level of awareness. As I deepen my experience and move through the healing these same issues might arise, however, on a complete different wheel, different level of existence. Its an opportunity for me to view it from yet again another perspective.

So the question I ask is how do I remain committed to something and DO nothing at the same time. If doing nothing IS part of the commitment then what does it actually mean then to be committed?...and what is it I am actually committing to?

Perhaps this is why it is so important to have clarity.

Clarity only comes in stillness.

When I say I am committed to eating healthier, to listening to my body, to being a "homesteader" and to "creating" a business called Hearth and Soul does this mean I am committed to consistently focusing on these things ALL of the time? Is it about striving to be the best ALL the time? Always moving forward, always being healthy, always being productive?

Or does it actually mean something else entirely?

Suppose its simply about loving?

Loving our bodies, loving our lives, loving what it is that is birthing itself through me?

Simply loving ourselves.

What if it's about being fully present with whatever it is that is arising in the moment and embracing that? Even if it means giving myself permission to rest after taking care of a sick daughter? Or having a little bit of peanut butter on some gluten free bread. Even if it means not doing anything to "build" Hearth and Soul or to prepare my own meals... Even if it means writing this blog and truly having nothing else to say but this.

Even if it means...

Just showing up.

Trusting that is all I need to do.

Just show up.

Even if showing up means

doing

absolutely

nothing...

and

being with the fear

of all of that.

I am giving myself permission to take it easy, to take a break from pushing myself to be productive, to prepare healthy food, create some new aspect of my business, or make anther herbal remedy.... Or from having to come up with something wise to say on this blog. (...and really who says I have to anyway?)

What if, just what if, its about laying back on the couch reading a book...or having a nap....and truly doing nothing?

Yes. That's it.

I think that is exactly what I will do.

I will show up

now

to this moment

and do exactly that.

Blessed Be all!

Love and Peace :)