Taking it one little Step Further

One day.

It has been 2 months since I wrote last and here it is one day.

I feel unfinished with what I started speaking of yesterday. So unlike me to write in this way. Maybe unlike a me that was, but more like a me that is? A me that is emerging? I truly have no idea.

In all honesty it actually surprised me that I was even writing about this topic.

...and yet I felt propelled to do it.

Then something else happened after I wrote my post yesterday and again I feel propelled.

I asked my daughter, Kelsea, to read it and share her thoughts as I feel she is very knowledgeable about these issues and I respect her point of view. She is not afraid to speak about such matters.

Originally in my first post (before editing) I had posted the statement "All Lives Matter" and Kelsea was very clear that in fact saying this was a form of violence in amongst itself. I had no idea what she was talking about.

She then shared some links with me about this and I began to understand how saying this was actually subtly removing the power of the message "Black Lives Matter'..so I changed it.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/julia-craven/please-stop-telling-me-th_b_6223072.html

As I was changing it I noticed the reactions in my body. I had immediately begun to feel anxious and unsteady about writing "Black Lives Matter" in my post. Why in the world would that stir up fear and anxiety within me?! Why would a statement that clearly supports respect and dignity towards black people make me feel so anxious?

In reflecting on this I think about the many conversations, reading material and posts that basically embody my world. Spirituality, self empowerment, manifesting our visions, supporting the earth, women's rights, astrological signs.... hopeful uplifting messages, speaking positively, looking for what is working in your life, focusing on the light.....People "like" the posts that make them smile. People "like" the posts that lift them up.

In my experience people don't really want to talk about the dark. People like to be a part of those events or circles where we dance, we chant, we drum, we sing.....In spiritual circles so often its all about focusing on the light, bringing in the light, expanding the light. We like the warm fuzzy feelings.

This is great. Trust me, I am not knocking it. We need these times. We all struggle with our own shit. We are exhausted from just trying to keep up with our lives and "doin' the do" we are expected to do. We focus and concentrate and encourage ourselves to not get pulled into the negativity that surrounds us. We need the release of energy to restore ourselves. We need the love and positive community. I so get that. Completely.

But we can't live without acknowledging the dark. We cannot possibly be whole. The sun does not shine day and night. We need the rain, we need the storms. We need the night and we need the moon. The Earth needs the sun, the sun needs the moon ...We need the muck as much as we need the beautiful bright flowers.

Maybe this is coming out of me because of my experiences in the last few months with an increased number of people coming out and talking about their hidden shadow worlds. It has become increasingly evident to me how much we do not talk with each other about the dark aspects of being human. Our mental illnesses. Depression, anxiety, abuse, addictions. So many are coming forward lately sharing how they keep silent about their struggles with mental illnesses, that if they do come forward people withdraw, they are silent, they call less. They feel judged and believe they are better off keeping it to themselves. They (owning this I also say "I") are struggling to succeed as they/I cannot see how they can succeed in a world that values consistent action and productivity. When you struggle with a mental illness the rules are different. Your needs don't always align with the way the structure of the system is set up.

....and now...I am writing about the racism against black people that is so evident in the world. That is appearing to touch my world in a much more tangible way. Perhaps before now, the vastness of it triggered my coping mechanisms of paralysis and denial and that is why it was not part of my reality. Well, I am looking now so I guess something is changing.

This came into my circle today as well: https://thsppl.com/i-racist-538512462265
 
We are so privileged as a white people. So very privileged. I am beginning to see a little more every day how deep this privilege goes and questioning within myself that I /we may need to look at how we benefit from a system that is set up in such a way.

Perhaps we need to open our eyes to the darker realities of being human. Perhaps we need to start acknowledging what is underneath and begin allowing ourselves to come face to face with the demons that are all around us .....maybe facing the demons is the only way that the poison can truly be expelled? Collectively and individually.

I have no idea where this is going. I am simply feeling propelled to speak from within...and so I am. I am beginning to listen and becoming more courageous. Perhaps if we all opened ourselves to listening to the dark side a little more and begin speaking our truths from that place we might be surprised what can be revealed.

Maybe the answers are in the dark?

Becoming an Ally

It has been a pretty busy summer and I have not spent much time writing at all. Much more action than contemplation.

Lately though I have been contemplating a lot within myself how I as a privileged white woman can be an ally for so many who face oppression, violence and discrimination on a daily basis. I have actually walked around with this question in my head for quite awhile without actually doing anything beyond posting a few things on Facebook of the incidences that have been public as of late. It really is beyond time for me to just think about it.

A couple weeks ago I posted a picture of myself on Facebook sitting in a kayak, sharing my excitement of the fact that I was able to experience this opportunity. I certainly do not want to diminish the fun that I had, however, what I did not acknowledge or share was the eye opening experience I received while kayaking around the lake. It actually was not all so pleasant. As a matter of fact there were moments that felt a little disturbing.

I kayaked in different directions for quite a distance both days because I had heard there was a river and I desperately wanted to find a space where I could commune with nature rather than cruise by the suburban like edges of the lake with its numerous cottages. Numerous, Enormous cottages. As I continued to paddle across the lake and through the channels I began noticing how EVERY SINGLE person who was in their boat or at their cottage was white...EVERY SINGLE one.....except for.... one small black girl standing on a dock amongst a white family. There were a LOT of cottages and a LOT of boats. All white.

I have probably witnessed this scene a hundred times throughout my life but never were my eyes open enough to see the imbalance of power and privilege. It struck me with such clarity of why so many white people might choose to remain silent and turn a blind eye to what is going on amongst so many other races. Grandparents playing on the beach with their grandchildren, couples and families lounging in their chairs by the  water, friends and family racing by in their luxurious motor boats. A world away from the chaos, from the harsh cold realities of life in society. Their own little piece of heaven.

Certainly, these people would not want to give this up. Of course not. If we began to open our minds to the cold truths of the imbalance and injustice in the world we might, just might have to start questioning the imbalance of wealth and we might have to start looking at how we participate in this. Blindly participating, absolutely. Unconsciously, oh yes. Most of us are basically good people and would never want to participate in anyone's else's pain and suffering.

Never did I think I was participating. Not really. I am a good person. I speak out when I witness people around me being hurt. Funny thing was I did not really realize until the last ten years or so how most of my life I lived in white middle class societies where it was quite the big deal if there was a couple of black people in our schools. I simply did  not see. I was not educated and I had many veils over my eyes....I was too sheltered and self absorbed to look at the big picture beyond my own personal experience and pain.

...and then my daughter's started growing up. I began changing and started feeling unsettled in these towns. I was also a single mom and I needed to find affordable housing...something not too accessible in these nice quaint towns and rural settings....so I moved to the city.

This is truly when I began to see truth, hear truth, and know truth. I started listening and paying attention.The young people have a lot to teach us. In my experience the young people are the ones beginning to take action, create change, speak their truth out loud. They are teaching me and I am waking up. I am learning. A little every day. Now it is time to share truth.

Today I asked myself how I can be more of an ally in my own little piece of the world. I am not an "activist" so to speak. I just want to act.  I began doing research and came across this article that expanded my knowledge a little bit more and gave me a tool kit of the things I can do in my every day life.

http://www.scn.org/friends/ally.html

Some days I do speak out....against a racist "joke" or phrase that is disrepectful. I share what I see and hear about some act of injustice or racism. I don't feel like there is a lot I can do from where I am in my life right now, but I do know a little might go a long way...especially if we all did our little bit every day.

Just a little.

I know it may be inappropriate in some way to say "All Lives Matter" but to me they simply do. Right now though it is about the violence and injustice against the black people that is very evident and today that is the place I speak from.

Black Lives matter.

It continues to be a learning experience for me as I learn what language is supportive. How we speak matters. As I grow and learn I only hope to speak in respectful ways towards all people.

We are all connected.

We are all from the same Source. All of us.

We are ALL Divine Beings.

Lets start treating each other as such.


The Spirit within me salutes the Spirit within you <3



Blessed Be

Ouroboros

Ouroboros:

"The Cyclic Nature of the Universe: creation out of destruction, Life out of Death, The Ouroboros eats its own tail to sustain its life, in an eternal cycle of renewal"


I am changing. Evolving. Stripping Away. Renewing.

Hearth and Soul is transforming,
becoming....

Awakening Feminine Wisdom.

For weeks now (feels like months lol) I have been questioning where I am, who I am and what my true gifts are as a sacred server to the world. I have been responding to what arises in each moment and have done my best to be present. What this has meant is that I have been asked to participate in some deeper stripping away of old....and even some "not so old". For example, I have come to the realization I am not actually an "herbalist" per se at all. I love herbs. I love integrating the herbs into my daily life. I love living in simplicity and making my own remedies and teas. I am not an herbalist. I simply love the herbs. I have met herbalists. They are people who have lived with the plants to a degree I never have. I finally own that. I have other gifts.

I also now realize at what point I began to birth this idea of being an herbalist and "trying" as hard as I can to "become" one. 2006. The year that I went through a catalyst event that changed everything. Through this event I realized with GREAT clarity that my life was severely broken and I myself was in a state of dis-ease....mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. This was the year I walked away from 20 years of Social Work and walked away from my business of Ancient Wisdom. The year I stepped into no-thingness. Invisibility. Being the "Wounded Woman".

The thing was, I did not (could not) stay in this place of no-thingness because there were way too many monsters, too many painful truths that I simply could not face at the time. My response was to quickly begin the mission of "re-creating" myself. I took control to close the "spaciousness" and immediately returned to school in a whole different field of work. Ecosystem Restoration.

..And so the new story began.

I no longer identified myself in anyway as an Intuitive Coach or Social Worker. That time of my life was done. (or so I thought)  I negated who I was before because she was simply too sick and I simply could not be "her" anymore. I had to re-create myself and choose a completely different path. Hence, the opening of herbalism and sustainability.

Which brings me to now. A returning to who I am. A completion of a circle and a beginning of a circle.

As I talked about last post I have been in a time of spaciousness. A void. Between the worlds. There is a change this time. This time around I am allowing myself to be in the spaciousness. I am beginning to feel the wheel turning in a way that seems to be bringing everything I have experienced in the past together as One. Its like it is all coming together full circle. The Ouroborus or Circle of Life Snake. The World card in the Tarot. The cycle ends where it begins. The symbol of infinity or wholeness.  There is no this or that. There is no straight path. It has all been spiraling towards the center in order to help me become more whole and begin again. From a place of wholeness. A deep place of truth.

I realize that the change I am moving through now is much different than any before. In the past when I would see truths about my self or my life I would leap forward to create something new and different. I would create a new goal, a new vision, a new sense of self.

What I see now, that I did not see then, was that I would repeat the same spiral over and over. I kept on responding in the same way I always had. I could not see it for what it was. It was not time for me to see. The alignment was not complete. I continued patterns of control that spiraled around and within themselves for years.

This time, however, I am being gifted with the ability to see this pattern from a complete different perspective. I am responding differently. Allowing a slow shedding of my old skin. I have never emerged this slow before. It has been somewhat of  a strange experience.

In the past I probably would have pushed this old skin off with all my might in order to become the next layer of self that lay beneath in order to move into the next spiral. This time, as I have vowed to do it differently I am allowing whatever emerges during this shedding to be present with me and I with it. There have been moments where I was not sure I could stay. I have been tempted to cross over to control and grab the reigns, doing it "my way". Yet, I consistently have been able to return to center and have chosen to stay. Present. In the moment. With what is. I am allowing "It" (Life) to transform me rather than me transform "it".

 I admit there have been those moments where I have become quite afraid that if I sat any longer in the "void of vagueness" or "not knowing"  and with the emotions of sadness or grief that I might be regressing back into the old places of depression, apathy or anxiety. Trust me when you have a story of depression (and other issues) allowing yourself to simply BE in sadness or feeling anxious or uncertain can feel quite intimidating. You just don't know if you have it in you to remain present and be the witness or whether you just might sink in the boat to the bottom of the ocean....and trust me here again when I say the mind can begin playing some pretty nasty tricks with you, taunting you to run and hide and forget about staying true to what is.

I am discovering the power and beauty of remaining true to ALL that is. I am also discovering the beauty of accepting and embracing who I am. ALL of who I am. This is what brings me to truth. This is what brings me to clarity. Clarity of who I am as a sacred server in the world. Slowly becoming clear.

Tarot Consultant. Spiritual Mentor. Priestess.

I am beginning to own my gifts. I believe in them and I am beginning to offer them through the lens of truth rather than self deception. Claiming our Power and Shining our Light in the world is definitely not an easy thing. Worth it? Yes. Easy? No.

Definitely, definitely worth it though.



And so the Wheel turns. As we do.


We are all becoming. We can all become who we are. All we need to do is get out of the way.

Be the World Snake.


The Ouroboros.


"The circular nature of the universe and time....death-rebirth, creation-destruction, love-hate, spring-winter-the eternal dance of the cosmos"

Allowing.  

               Becoming.

                                  Dying.                      


Resurrecting.

               Becoming  

                                   Living and..

                                                  Loving.



Truly Living  AND Truly Loving

             

Spaciousness

I keep
Thinking....

...its time to write again

then I stop.
          
Thinking.


and I feel


this moment

Being.                              Changing.                            

Shifting.


The Mystery.


Spaciousness

has been my story of late


Coming into                   Reflections                    

Remembering
Re  -  membering
                             
D
  e
    e
      p
               

Listening



a song

Sacred Earth - Ancient Mother

---------------------------

Oh Ancient Mother I hear You calling me
Ancient Mother I hear Your song
Oh Ancient Mother I hear Your laughter
Ancient Mother I taste Your tears

You are the water that I drink
You are the air that I breathe
You are the fire that keeps me warm
You are the earth beneath my feet

Open your heart
Open your mind
Feel your Soul
Flying free

------------

Her Heart with mine

Her Body
Earth
My body

Thinking diffusing
Being expanding

What I thought - was.
What is....
is not what was

Success:
      Being.
          True.
              Now.

Success finds its own path

Aligning my path with Hers is so simple

and
so Not!

Creating Spaciousness
Expands Awareness

Creating Spaciousness
Requires returning

Returning from Mind
from Past
and future
from plans and conclusions


Returning        
Constantly


this moment
                       
Openness
            & Desire

Openness  Trust
                      & Desire

Listening
Following
Acting.

Gratitude.

Emerging

Tarot
Plant Medicine

Balance

Love
Community

Life
Emerging

Now

and Now

and

Now......



Opening my heart                                            
Opening my mind
Feeling my Soul

Flying

free

free to Be

Whatever Emerges.


Love &
Blessed Be <3

Being the Plant I Am

Its beautiful out today!

Spring is almost officially here. :)

Funny though, the day it feels the warmest and the brightest is the first day I feel the opposite on the inside.

Muddy.

I have a pretty good sense what this is about...and I think I will follow the mantra that was suggested on one of the astrology sites I follow.

I have posted the site that truly speaks to me right now on Hearth and Soul's Facebook page.

I certainly am grateful for these astrology reports...because sometimes just before I feel I might be swallowed up by my emotions I read these and I am able to become the observer of myself and take note of the energies that are at play.

Not only is Saturn due to go retrograde but the moon is waning and this past weekend I made some major decisions in my life.

I have decided to keep the baby. lol.

Its funny. When we are dreaming our dreams and formulating how we can co-create these with the Universe we are so pumped to see it manifest....and then when it does; when we do give birth and make the commitment to "marry" that dream or "keep that baby" all hell breaks loose. Fear and doubt begin to yell a little louder. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU NUTS? WHERE DO YOU THINK THE MONEY IS GOING TO COME FROM? DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN SUCCEED AT THIS? DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN DO THIS? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

Time to Sit. To sit STILL.

DEFINITELY time to sit....or....To clean, to putter, to step away and be. Wash the dishes, hang the clothes, go to a friends house and watch a movie. Hug someone. Give a little love.

Just sit....

and

Breathe.

Step away from all the planning, organizing, emailing.....and

take a break.

As my daughter would say "mom, sometimes you drive me mad. You just don't know when to relax and let go" So true. So funny.

I have been gifted with a car for a month so yesterday we drove to the Conservation area and went for a hike.

What a BEAUTIFUL blessing.

I was home.

Time changed. Tasks that needed done were left behind. I became something other than my self (note the small s....)

I fully realize now that taking on these roles I have chosen to accept brings me to a whole new level of being that I am unaccustomed to. Of course a part of me is uncomfortable and scared and overwhelmed at times. Being a "new mom" or being "newlyweds" is NEVER a piece of cake. Of course we are anxious when we step into a new relationship/new way of being. That's perfectly natural....AND

....perfectly perfect :)

Pretty soon all this snow (all the layers on top of the new seeds within us as well) will melt and the plants will begin to emerge.

Freely and effortlessly.

In their own time.

Being who they are without any struggle .

Allowing.....or rather...

just


Being.        Love.         Herself.

 Growing and becoming what they (we) are

Naturally...



A piece of the great Mystery

As we are.

A child of the Universe.

We are the mud..

and...

We are the plants.

We are the Universe.

We are perfect.

So. Now.

I can Be.

As Crystal B. Astrology says...

I got this.

Blessings!

Sage <3

Birthing Ourselves

Its been 2 weeks.

I am being gentle with myself for missing a week and I "know" it is all perfectly okay..perfectly perfect actually ;)

Today is the first day that I have actually put my foot on the brake and turned off the highway I have been on for about a month. I feel like I have been soaring forward at this tremendous speed up a mountain highway doing quick stops at all these marvelous places and then hopping in my car and speeding off to the next destination. Fascinating possibilities, experiences and teachings at each stop. Creating, experimenting, gathering information, forming relationships, and exploring new opportunities.

Its almost like being in one of those treasure hunts...but in a very fast "souped up" car. You are heading into unknown territory and you don't know where the clues are leading you but each time you go to claim the treasure there is another exciting clue so you jump in your car and chase after the next one. Filling your car up with all these amazing treasures. Each one is so thrilling that you don't even realize you haven't even really stopped to fill up with gas or that your car is getting filled to the brim with these treasures.....or that you have forgotten to stop and take a breather.

Until today. :)

Good thing food has been an exciting and important part of my life as I made sure that any pit stops I made I used the time to create nutritious and delicious mini meals. (which I guess was also at a high speed because it was all new and exciting creating vegan, raw foods)

I realize, however, that I have not really stopped to breathe. lol

I guess Air is an important element as well.

Interesting.

Now that I have pulled off the highway and am sitting in a clearing I realize (again) how important it is to remain conscious with how aligned we are with ALL the elements.

Reflecting on these past few weeks I can see that I have gone through a flux in relating to the elements.


Its funny because prior to the show I was EXTREMELY connected to Fire. My passion was high and I was driven. Almost every moment of my day I was involved in creating something or other for the show. I was VERY connected to my body as much of the passion I was feeling was around food and herbs. I also felt completely aligned with Spirit because almost every move I made came from a deep place within and I followed the "calling" without allowing doubt or fear to get in my way.


These processes are also very much like being pregnant and giving birth.

In essence I believe I had been working up to the show for months. For months I had been moving towards something and had not been clear what it was. As I got closer and closer to the "due date" I started feeling more pressure to have everything ready. I was starting to feel VERY full with promise and potential. I knew I was giving birth to something but really was not clear what "sex" it was...or for that matter whether this "baby" was even going to come out healthy.

Then the last week before the "due date" I started feeling this tremendous panic.

Oh my Goddess!...What if I look like a fool? What if people laugh at all my home made remedies and signs and see me as a little child? What if nobody is interested? What if I don't know how to handle this, or how to talk? Its been years since I "exposed" myself........what if, what if, what if.....

Labor pains.

Labor pains are NOT easy. Labor REQUIRES the breath. Labor requires presence.

Labor requires staying connected.

During my labor I am so grateful I remembered to breathe. I remembered to ground. I was able to primarily stay present. I was able to choose Faith that everything was perfect as I was giving birth to something that Life Herself had been forming and creating. I had been merely the vehicle.

I did the Show.

I went into full blown labor and gave birth. Naturally.

No C-section necessary for this birth. :).

A natural home birth.

All around me I felt this celebration , this community forming, this blessing of new Life. This blessing of a new sense of Self. A blessing of having the strength and courage to be present.... with complete trust that if I could stay in a place of non-attachment all that was emerging was perfect.

And then....

I arrived home.

I was elated and thrilled at all the new possibilities, new community, new insights and just...NEW LIFE.

I started moving forward immediately....full steam ahead.

AND.....

I am VERY grateful that it didn't take too long for me to notice....(or as my friend says "the turn around time was shorter")...... that I did forget for a short time that ......

when we give birth to new life IT IS IMPORTANT TO BE with that new life.

To realize the power of being present with it.

To hold it close, cherish it....and simply Love it.

We don't immediately start running out and taking it on another treasure hunt. (okay maybe some of us forget for a little time) We stay close to home and we rest. We heal from the tremendous power of the labor and we nourish ourselves and this new life.

I remember when I brought Kelsea home (my first daughter) I felt like I had brought someone else's baby home for awhile. It felt almost like I was renting rather than owning. Sounds terrible but in truth that is how I felt at the time...it was such a foreign experience for me to bring home this tiny being full of life. With all my preparation I felt so lost and uncertain how in the world I was going to take care of this little precious being.

I had prepared myself to the hilt with support groups and prenatal classes and books but when it came time to bring her home I felt like I landed on another planet with a whole new set of rules and language.

It kind of feels like that right now.

Well, until today.

I felt like I had fallen off the face of my familiar planet and had landed in this new territory, discombobulated and completely unclear of which step to take, let alone what path to step on. Only thing was....I jumped immediately in the car again and started racing towards the new possibilities.

Thank Goddess I received some healing energy yesterday and some sound advice today that cleared away the beginnings of a possible chaotic and messy "unfolding mystery"

into a

slower

gentler

ride in the country.

So.... today I sit. I embrace and I nourish all that has been born.

I sit with gratitude and I sit in stillness.

Listening and being.

Loving

myself and ALL that is.

Being with all that I am. Staying connected to ALL the elements.

Remembering it is not quite springtime yet.

There is no hurry.

I feel somewhat like I shed a skin and am emerging a new level of

Woman.

Birthing my Self, my Soul a little closer into being....

Thank Goddess ....and thank all my sisters and brothers (in human and other form) for being with me and supporting me EVERY step of the way

And so it is.


Blessed be!


Sage *

...and so there is Light

Good Gracious.

This must be what its like when they talk in those "How to be a Writer" books that if you truly want to write you have to show up and begin writing whether you "feel" like it or not...whether you think you have something to write about. Or not.

This is a little tougher to do than I imagined.

Once a week I said.

Once a week can't be that challenging.

I do recall that some time ago I set the intent for this blog to be about developing a healthier lifestyle, eating healthier food

...and about commitment.

Appears it has become much more about commitment than anything else.

Well, I can certainly say focusing on commitment is pushing me beyond some limits. I feel like I am being somewhat of my younger belligerent self and wanting to rebel against authority and say, "No! I don't want to come out today! I want to do what I want to do!....I want to do what I feel like doing!"

I am guessing that is probably why I never really stayed with anything..... I gave away too much of my power to this younger rebellious toddler or teen within my self. (not sure which one to be honest!)

Discipline.

Ha.
 
Yea. Right.

Yet....

I am here. :)

I choose to be here.

Its been going kinda like this:

I sat in the mud and allowed myself to be there. Trusting and doing what I had been "asked". Feeling awful, feeling sick, dredging through the sludge. After about a week I came out of being "in the mud" and now I feel SUPERBLY aligned with Creator. Ready and willing to act on the new.

I recognize more fully how this is an ever present pattern....the depth of stillness or the "dead end" seems to always open up to the equivalent depth of openness once I move through it.

Fascinating really. Makes those times of being in the mud much much easier every single time I experience this...especially when I trust and stay cognizant of the natural pattern of things while I am sitting in the muck, at the "dead end."

So.... Here I am a week later.

I feel like I have been gifted with this sleek beautiful "car" that has this AMAZING accelerator. I put my foot ever so slightly on the pedal and within seconds I am off, moving at a thrilling speed of 150 km/hr.

I am open. Ideas and action are flowing. I am cooking, dehydrating, making and packaging remedies, planning a "sister" business to Hearth and Soul, spending more time with my daughters, going to hypnosis (with Wyn A Andress - Consulting Hypnotist - enlightening and powerful!).... clearing old belief systems, foreseeing a broader vision/dream that I want to begin and explore......expansion, inspiration, expansion....

I am elated. One idea streams into another and before I know it I am moving towards 15 different visions and ideas that are streaming through my head.  They ALL connect and it feels like everything is coming full circle. The excitement is bubbling as I see AMAZING potential for personal and collective change.

I am off to the races.

Ah.

But.....

This time I see it.

This time the wiser part of me, the "Sage" is present. This time I am not alone.

This time... I am part of a community and I am sharing, I am talking and I am sharing my vulnerabilities. I am not only giving...I am allowing myself to be vulnerable -  receiving incredible wisdom and support from those around me (and within).

Astonishing really. I am always amazed how much I learn. I had no idea how speaking my truth and exposing my "shadow" last post would open the door to such deeper relationships. Stepping into a place of receptivity and vulnerability, instead of always living with an expectation of being centered and conscious, shifts the balance in my relationships, opens my heart to others so much more. What a blessing! <3

I realize as well that when one receives shiny new "toys", one must treat it with mindfulness and respect.

....and with Full Presence and Power.

Being Conscious and Mindful.

I am a little scared as I am being invited to yet again step a little deeper and more public into my power as well...to take more risks, to face yet even more uncomfortable situations and feelings.

I went to a seminar at McMaster with Olivia Chow and amongst many things she spoke frankly about how much we need women leaders and mentors. I know I have walked through a very long story and I know its time. I know it is time for me to step up as the woman I am capable of being. I know that's a lot of what this is about. 

I also know that I have to learn to continue walking through the fear of being in my power.

Walking through.

Not feeling the fear and spending all my time analyzing the fear and figuring out how to manage it.....but simply noticing the fear, discerning the truth of the fear, acknowledging and thanking it and continuing to focus on the task at hand. Moving forward....

With mindfulness.....

with meditation.

Its been a little while since I meditated in the morning.

I am beginning again.

I started out this morning's meditation with reading a small excerpt today in Mark Nepo's book and found the topic quite interesting.

It was about  Greed.

He says this:

"We suffer, often unknowingly, from wanting to be in two places at once, from wanting to experience more than one person can. This is a form of greed, of wanting everything. Feeling like we're missing out on something or that we're being left out, we want it all. But, being human, we can't have it all. The tension of this can lead to an insatiable search, where our passion for life is stirred,  but never satisfied. When caught in this mindset, no amount of travel is enough, no amount of love is enough, no amount of success is enough"

I would like to add that we also caught in the mindset that we are never enough...we are just simply never enough as we are. period.

I believe I may have been here...with greed...without even knowing it. Always wanting more. Always feeling like I had to do it all NOW....for if I didn't I might not get there, I might lose it all. Hold on tight and don't let go.

Perhaps, this is why I am now able to accept this new "car" with grace and consciousness....perhaps that is why I have even been gifted with the "car". Perhaps I at some level know I am ready.

I am learning I am enough.

It is enough.

There is enough.

Enough for all of us to go around.

With full presence and an openness of heart....

pushing ever so slightly on the gas pedal I move forward at a moderate/ yet vibrant speed...trusting I am seeing all I need to see ....doing all I need to do.....until I see the sign

the sign to slow down, brake and pause.... just a little

then I observe, breathe and be.....and start up again....ever so slightly, holding firmly/yet loosely on the wheel.

Turning my head to listen to my guide who always sits beside me and simply (lol), with faith, moving ahead from there.

Yet again, ever so slightly.

Blessed be my friends!

Thanks for being a part of my journey.

Love.

Sage

Just...Showing Up

Well....

Last week I mentioned how this was feeling like the beginnings of a relationship.....and I committed to writing this blog every week. It feels important for me to follow through with that right now...so here I am...

...exactly as I am.

I am realizing with commitment to any relationship there are going to be some tough times and as we are meeting those tough times face to face we have a choice...(actually we have many choices). Which path are we choosing to take as we "be with" the tough time.

As I posted on Facebook this past week I feel like since Mercury went Retrograde I have felt like I walked into a Jumanji game.

I can honestly say that precisely to the day, I felt a shift happen within me. All that liveliness and initiative I had been feeling felt like it was sucked right out of my system and I fell in to this shadow zone of

nothing...

retreat....and

emptiness.

Sometimes it scares me when I have nothing left, no energy to keep moving. It scares me that it won't pass. If I allow myself to be in this space of "nothing", of not growing or getting better at something than I might stay exactly where I am and I won't evolve as a person. If I do that I might always have this pain I have been experiencing in my body lately or I might never achieve the level of health I am seeking, or I might never move out of this paralysis and never succeed in my business....

We could call this perfectionism, or fear or sabotage..... Perhaps its that deep conditioning instilled within me about constant movement and progress towards our goals or those years of training that I was never good enough. I would call that patriarchal thinking.....it definitely does not sound like the teachings of the Feminine that I have been embracing in my life.

I have always had a history of being hard on myself. Always "striving" to do better or "be" better than I am.  I "should" be doing this or I "should" be doing that.

Whose voices are those really anyway? Are they sincerely mine? What if instead I paused long enough to listen and ask instead what is it that I feel I need right now? ...and...which aspect of myself is expressing that? Maybe "I" have been moving through so much change/ doing so much that a different part of myself is seeking some attention. If I want peanut butter and bread perhaps I need to pause and ask why is it this part of myself is seeking this comfort? What is it that I truly need right now?

I fully realize that I often repeat myself in these blogs and I am okay with that. Life is not linear. As I become aware of something it does not mean it is now gone. It has just moved through one level of awareness. As I deepen my experience and move through the healing these same issues might arise, however, on a complete different wheel, different level of existence. Its an opportunity for me to view it from yet again another perspective.

So the question I ask is how do I remain committed to something and DO nothing at the same time. If doing nothing IS part of the commitment then what does it actually mean then to be committed?...and what is it I am actually committing to?

Perhaps this is why it is so important to have clarity.

Clarity only comes in stillness.

When I say I am committed to eating healthier, to listening to my body, to being a "homesteader" and to "creating" a business called Hearth and Soul does this mean I am committed to consistently focusing on these things ALL of the time? Is it about striving to be the best ALL the time? Always moving forward, always being healthy, always being productive?

Or does it actually mean something else entirely?

Suppose its simply about loving?

Loving our bodies, loving our lives, loving what it is that is birthing itself through me?

Simply loving ourselves.

What if it's about being fully present with whatever it is that is arising in the moment and embracing that? Even if it means giving myself permission to rest after taking care of a sick daughter? Or having a little bit of peanut butter on some gluten free bread. Even if it means not doing anything to "build" Hearth and Soul or to prepare my own meals... Even if it means writing this blog and truly having nothing else to say but this.

Even if it means...

Just showing up.

Trusting that is all I need to do.

Just show up.

Even if showing up means

doing

absolutely

nothing...

and

being with the fear

of all of that.

I am giving myself permission to take it easy, to take a break from pushing myself to be productive, to prepare healthy food, create some new aspect of my business, or make anther herbal remedy.... Or from having to come up with something wise to say on this blog. (...and really who says I have to anyway?)

What if, just what if, its about laying back on the couch reading a book...or having a nap....and truly doing nothing?

Yes. That's it.

I think that is exactly what I will do.

I will show up

now

to this moment

and do exactly that.

Blessed Be all!

Love and Peace :)

Stepping a Little Closer.....

Greetings all!

This is starting to actually feel like a relationship. :)

Amazing how when you commit to something and actually discipline yourself to show up and do the work, that experience begins to grow into an actual relationship. I admit it is taking some energy, some nudging and pushing to "show" up" consistently and be present in this relationship. I have no doubt  a piece of that has to do with all the unknowns and whether this is what my heart truly wants. It may sound like a "common sense" thing to do - to show up - yet when you are a person like me, (excuse me Universe - like I have been in the past....not like me now ;)) showing up and being fully present... consistently, has NOT been a common practice.

Perhaps, that's why I am spending so much time on commitment. (and bear with me, as I read this post over I see it is a lengthy one, yet it all feels so relevant to share I chose to keep it as is :))

If I reflect on my past, I always had the greatest intentions - I truly wanted to have my own business, I wanted to work with my herbs, I wanted to eat healthy food (made by my own hands in my own kitchen) I wanted to do yoga regularly.....I truly wanted all of these things. Problem was there was always something missing. I would get started with intensity and gather all the tools I needed and then....

......I would get bored, life would unfold around me, the wind would start changing directions...and off I went to explore something else.  It felt right. I felt called to do these things. My passion had waned for the thing I had begun a relationship with and it was time to move on. I see it now...that need for that next romantic rush, that feeling of elation and excitement. I was learning and expanding and I was sure that was the best path for me.

 Yet.........even though I explained it to be that I was a "jack of all trades" and a "master" of none; that I was just one of those people that had multitude interests, I don't think I ever truly understood how many issues I had with that one little word.


Commitment.

Not surprising really. I have always had a tendency (yes Universe...I know an important adjective - had) to get addicted to the high of the "rush", to the excitement of the learning ...plus the fact that there were many factors from my past that inhibited me from immersing myself with intimacy in any relationship....and the teaching I was receiving about commitment from my community and society itself was NOT something I wanted to be a part of....NOT one little bit.

I could do a whole blog on this one little word. (perhaps for another day :) Right now I have committed to focus on healthy eating....This is about food.

This is about body, about mind and about Soul.

All aspects of ourselves must be aligned for us to be committed...to be truly committed.

If we truly want something we have to make the time to connect and connect and re-connect again...every single day. That's how we take the action that brings us towards success. At least that's the action that has been bringing me towards success...success being that feeling of happiness, of feeling vibrant, abundant and grateful.

Relationships with people isn't really that different than having a relationship with whatever we are relating with. Its just the exchange of energy expresses itself in a complete different vibration... the relationship between you and your experience (ie. my food and I)  is at a much more subtle level than our relationship with humans.

No wonder we give up so easily.

We don't 'see' those results. We don't 'feel' that immediate sense of satisfaction. We do not 'see' the benefits of all the work we are putting into it. We just don't 'feel' that immediate gratification we are so encouraged to be driven by in our society... So little by little we walk away, we turn away and we are no longer fully present in that relationship. We are half involved, partially interested and too distracted by everything else.


Such is the way of our society.

So, we have a choice. Follow the ways of the patriarchal society and continue our old habits of seeking immediate gratification and success...

...or we trust.

We trust in a Source that comes from a balance between the Masculine (active) and the Feminine (receptive). We discipline ourselves and take the action and.... 

...we listen to Source, allowing patience for it to unfold, trusting our heart is leading us to that which is in our highest interest.

So, this brings me to the practical, active piece of this work. The actual physical steps of following through with our commitment to become more conscious of our food and choose habits that are in line with the health of our bodies and of the earth.

We have looked at our habits of emotional eating, identified where we wish to be and now I am being asked to share something new that could propel us even further forward.

One of the things I realize as I am deepening my relationship with food is that there is a definite need to bring my kitchen up to the same level as I am. Its like anything really. As I change and develop; the old patterns, habits or ways of being that are no longer useful need to be released in order to create space for the new. Some of the equipment I had in my kitchen is no longer useful, the way I have things set up and what is in my pantry is no longer aligned with my new habits. As I become closer to eating more vegan and raw food I really don't have much need for my bread maker anymore. My girls gifted me with an AMAZING Excalibur dehydrator for my birthday (I know I am truly blessed! :)) so the plastic one I had no longer fits with my level of experience.  I also have old cookbooks that have recipes using gluten and meat and they just do not match who I am anymore.

So, here I am going through my entire kitchen. Doing an inventory of sorts.....going through my herbal cupboard, my pantry, my drawers, my fridge....

Now, yes... I hear someone out there thinking "Wow, that would take a lot of time - go through everything.. I barely have enough time to prepare food at home with all the other things I got going in my life...and now I am supposed to do this too!...and besides who has the money to buy all the equipment and ingredients I need anyway?!."

If anyone is like I have been (...and yes....I repeat to the Universe..... this was in the past, I am now in a different place) you could definitely take the old road and say "screw it", walk away and stick with what you have been doing.... or feel so overwhelmed you go in to paralysis, feeling frustrated as you really want this and beating yourself up for not doing anything......

Been there done that. Many times. Thing was though, when I really embraced this concept of "one foot in front of the other" things began to change....

....gradually.

I would look at the ideas brewing inside me and the action I needed to take and I would take one small step forward. Maybe even just one. If that's all I had I also began to embrace that, that was simply good enough. I did not have to be better than I was. I was doing the best I could at the time and that was good enough.

A friend of mine responded perfectly when I commented about how I was feeling a little pulled to follow my old patterns of going in to paralysis or distracting my self by doing meaningless things.....she said "Not an option - don't waste your energies thinking of old patterns which have not served you or propelled you - re-channel those energies into the commitments and promises you have vowed to take. Get going!"

So beautifully said!

I know as I practice the little steps repeatedly over time those steps become a little more like strides.... without me even realizing it. The more I practice, the stronger I become and the further I am propelled forward.

In a nutshell here are a couple things that I am finding helpful as I move through this next spiral of change:

1. I am definitely pausing and centering, asking for assistance from Source energy before I make any plans or decisions. (checking in with "my boss" you might say) on a daily basis - several times during the day actually.

2. I am working with someone who is "acting" as my accountability person ( I say acting because for me I feel I am ultimately accountable to God Herself as she is the director of my life)

3. I am choosing a specific time for the week to do time management for that entire week...keeping in my mind I have to be flexible; however, I have so many things going on (including a part time job) that I have to organize my time to follow through) I even set the timer on my phone so I stick with the time I delegated to the task.

4. I am taking stock of my successes

5. I am remembering to be gentle with myself

6. I am accessing resources to help me move forward in the most efficient way.


As before, I am posting a couple articles on the Hearth and Soul Facebook page as resources to help you continue to progress further on your journey towards healthy eating.

I hope you find something here that is helpful!

If you are seeking any further support please feel free to connect with me!

Love and Blessings

Sage

Comfort Foods be Gone!

Well, I am doing it.

I have committed to a number of things in the past and admittedly had difficulty sticking with one for any length of time. My attention always seemed to waver and be drawn to something else out there; however lately, I have been consciously focusing on some commitments that feel true enough and deep enough to stick with for awhile. Being consistent with these posts is one of them. Making healthy food and remedies in my own kitchen is another. Creating a business that serves the Goddess/the greater good is yet another. They are all weaving themselves together.

There admittedly have been many things I have wanted to commit to in the past, however, there have really only been a few that I actually did. Its only been recently that I am getting some real clarity with which ones I might actually even consider getting "married" to! (and trust me ...using that word itself says something! lol)



Throughout my journey's walk I have used an immeasurable number of tools to keep moving moving forward AND improve my health ...on many levels. As I revisit my last blog I remind myself that right now I have committed to sharing what I have learned and what has helped me to develop a healthier lifestyle specifically for my body.

I have a lot to share. That I am sure of.....I mean really....this is coming from someone who definitely had some addiction issues...and not just to alcohol....


To comfort food.

 Oh yea, comfort food was my source of sanity. I remember a time when being hungry was simply NOT an option. It was imperative that I felt full. If I waited to eat that meant I felt empty. If I felt empty that meant I felt more vulnerable. Being vulnerable was NOT a safe place for me to be.

Hunger equated with what I call "spinning". Feeling like I was going to lose it and completely spin out of control. Emotions would bubble up, my heart would speed up and I felt like the anxiety was going to combust out of my chest. I feared so deeply I would turn into this crazy mad woman running wildly down the streets. (seriously, I am not kidding here....I truly feared this at the time)

Dense doughy food was the answer. (well of course some substances here and there ...)

Eat healthier they would say. Healthy? Like salads? Like light meals? L.M.A.O. Not a chance. No way could I spend any length of time without a sandwich, coffee or snack. Anything to make me feel dense and heavy. Comfortably full. No space for any dark little demons to come out of the closets I had stuffed them in so well.

Its amazing how writing this takes me back in time and makes me look back and question...so what helped me? What helped me get out of this never ending wheel of moving towards inflexibility, inflammation and chronic fatigue. For me it had to get pretty bad before I actually had the courage to let go and take the risk to sit with the emptiness....even just a little.

One thing I learned that I think truly over rides everything else. Doing it alone did NOT work. Doing it alone was all I knew. I ALWAYS did it alone. There was no way I was letting anyone in. Not a chance. Took that bus. Crashed that one...several times. I depended on me and the sheer force of will to pull me through. That was how I survived.

Yet, I do believe that this all radically changed when I stepped through the doors of AA. Everything changed... Nothing was ever the same. Even though I learned AA was not my place and nor my issue, one thing I did learn was how incredibly powerful it was to know that I did not have to go it alone. Not only did my relationship with my Higher Power become stronger I also began to allow others to see my vulnerability, which in turn allowed me to see theirs. We could support each other. I began to see and experience how opening up and sharing my fears with another allows them to open theirs. I saw how my issues were there issues and we all share the same pain....and the same joy.

We are all in this together. Good Goddess, we have to be! We all have to stand strong against a society that encourages us to be addicts every single day. How in the world can we expect to ever do it alone?! Talking about setting ourselves up for falling down again and again!

So.

We share information, we give support. We take one little step towards our passion ...with commitment....gently, yet with conviction. We allow ourselves to admit our weaknesses and we share them with others....allowing them the space and freedom to also express theirs....and the connection begins, the healing begins ...and we all get healthier together...one little step at a time (my goodness I say that a lot don't I! lol)

Tomorrow is my birth-day :)

Another wheel begins.

Today I created a new Facebook page. I am posting a pdf file about Emotional Eating on my page that I find interesting and helpful. It is a beginning. I am now working for the Goddess and I am sure she has a lot for me to do....not sure how its all coming together but I AM sure She will let me know!


I have a feeling this is just the beginning :)

Another one ;)

Blessings!!

Sage

The Committment, the Pause, and the Transformation

It may have been very recent since I wrote my previous blog; however, as some of you may know, when I am called to do something I generally do it even if it doesn't make sense. Last blog I started talking loosely about the idea of commitment and now I feel I am being called to share a little about my own process as I walk with commitment and step ever so much closer to an even healthier brighter me. :)

One of the tools I have in my kit to assist me with staying committed to my choices/passions is creating the space and time to be creative. When I am creative I am able to get more clarity and insight from my intuitive self rather than relying too much on my analytical and logical mind. A few days ago I shared an an afternoon of creative expression with three beautiful women and I found myself in a surprisingly odd place.

Once I moved through the whole process I was gifted with some powerful insights that I thought might be helpful for others to hear.

I suspect that the beginning of this process was triggered by the collage I had created that afternoon. After I had put everything away I noticed I was experiencing this sensation of an ending of sorts meandering quietly through me and this great sense of disappointment. I was totally lacking any insight about what I was to do next and knew without a shadow of a doubt that this had much more to do than it just being the end of the afternoon.

Essentially what rattled my core was that I started my collage with the intention of getting some clarity about what I wanted my work to look like and instead of receiving this, something else entirely was beginning to evolve.  Because of the intensity of my feelings I decided to sit with the images and words that were spread over the paper. As I did so, all kinds of feelings and dreams emerged that I thought I had let go of some time ago; ones I had felt were a little too far out of my reach. I had come to a place of acceptance that it simply was a little too late in my life for me to pursue these dreams and I had filed them safely away in the far corners of my mind under lost opportunities....and now they were emerging.

Just when things were starting to come together.

All the momentum I had been gathering since the Solstice seemed to abruptly come to a stop. That elated sense of commitment and drive that had been enveloping me dropped from 100 - 10....

just.
like.
that.

To help you get a sense of what I am talking about maybe it would be a good idea to fill you in a little ;)

Since mid December it has felt like I developed this ability to fly and was soaring forward with all my passions, dreams and desires with incredible grace and ease. I had been gifted the book "Passion Test" by a friend and had decided I would take the homework in the book seriously, making a commitment to myself and following through with the tasks, exercises and actions they had suggested (even though a part of me was reminding myself I had done this work a million times before). Amazingly, once I committed to this work things immediately began to take off (lol - you would think I "should" know this by now). It felt like Life Herself had been waiting with anticipation for me to open the door as new ideas, insights and opportunities ran towards me with open arms. Clarity of my path was as visible as a full moon shining brightly in a cloudless night sky.

A small portion of a dream I had the following night illustrated quite effectively what was actually occurring in my life quite well. I had been on my bike going up a mountain and I was getting very close to the top.....I was pushing forward with all my might; however, as my energy was almost depleted I was slowing down dramatically. Regardless, I continued moving forward. I knew a bus was stuck behind me but I was determined to get to the top and was not letting anything distract me or pull me off course.  I did not pull over and eventually I made it to the top. Unfortunately, as soon as I arrived I noticed both my tires were completely flat. I could go no further....yet.... as soon as I arrived there in front of me was a pumping station conveniently there to to blow up my tires. Regardless of the fact that there were pumps immediately available, I still felt this incredible sense of disappointment and frustration as I had no choice but to stop before I could continue on my journey.

Two things I noticed.

1. In the dream I did not even stop for a second and celebrate the fact that I had just biked up this incredibly enormous mountain safely and with good speed....I had not even taken the time to absorb what it was for me to bike that far, nor did I realize that I was being offered an opportunity to fill up my tires before continuing on the next leg of my journey.... in essence I did not even consider the idea of pausing and allowing myself time and space to energize, nourish and basically restore myself with some self love before continuing on my journey to the next mountain.

2. I did not even think of expressing one iota of gratitude for the gift of the pumping station ready and waiting for me at the top of the mountain....let alone my body's ability to do the journey in the first place!

Interestingly enough, all that was going through my mind was that this meant I had to stop moving forward towards my passions, I had to take some "time off", cease taking all the action and basically sit tight. There was nowhere for me to go, AND it was even possible I might not even be heading down the right path.

Definitely time to surrender to the Greater Mystery and let go of any preconceived notions that I knew what was going on!

With trepidation (much less than the past I will say that!...AND am grateful for ;)) I accepted and followed the flow of what was in front of me. My daughter needed my attention (she was struggling with a bad cold and sore throat), dishes were piling up, food had to be prepared and I had to work at 4:00 pm. I dove in and responded.

Following the call of family and simple mundane tasks has its own magic.

I realized something far more powerful was emerging...and I believe this was only because I listened and chose to surrender to the moment. I received some solid evidence that I totally do not have to know what is coming next, that what I think is going on is often not what is unfolding at all.

As the day progressed I :

• devised a whole herbal program  (to be posted in future blog) for my daughter to use as she was suffering from something we "diagnosed" (through the help of the internet ;)) as Viral Pharyngitis. 
• prepared some quinoa to have ready for different meals as I was returning to my busy schedule of work this week
• took out some frozen home-made soups and meals for the next couple days (prepared during my spare time so that while I am busy I don't return to my old habits of slapping food together)
• did some very effective organizing in the kitchen
• wrote a letter to someone with such clarity and truth that it was paradigm to a shift I am making towards only choosing to do and be with those people that are in favor of my highest self and my passions
• wrote a big portion of this blog

.....AND still went to work for 4:00!

Who says there is not enough time to follow our passion and remain committed to our Selves each and every day? I have a feeling it all has to do with how much we are willing to surrender to what is in the moment and trust where our hearts lead us. 

One little step at a time.

I am so grateful for this moment exactly as it is. 

Blessings with your commitments!!

Sage <3

........I would invite you to read this "Sounding of the Heart" by Sophia Bonnie Wodin as it brings this all together quite beautifully as well

http://www.sophiabonniewodin.blogspot.ca/