Well I can certainly say life is sure a ride!

I was starting to wonder if writing this blog was another example of how I begin something and go "hard like bull" at the beginning and then my motivation and inspiration peters out and I move into the next thing life puts in front of me. Often times I read other's blogs and thought theirs were so significant and wise compared to mine. A jumble of words pouring forth from my thoughts. Comparisons, self-doubt and negative thinking can really put a plug in creativity and sharing. Perhaps this time I required some internal movement prior to coming out into the light. Perhaps it is my work with Kali as of late. Or my current work with Brigid. Or that Jupiter is now moving direct for the first time since October.

Makes me reflect. Makes sense to me that much of my work has been within and expressed in ways that appear insignificant as they are those actions that are in the little ordinary ways. I have always had difficulty valuing those small contributions since after all "I had so many gifts to share" Wow. I really did have an ego.

October. I keep being pulled to travel back in time to that moment. When though? Which October? October 2010 when I was submersed in darkness, in hopelessness and shame? In awakening slowly to the recognition once again of the choices I had made in my life that resulted in such suffering? Another step in my recovery of facing truths about my life, myself? The shame, the self loathing, the depression. Or the October of 2011 when I was taking action to save my life and remove myself and my girls from an abusive life that was killing all three of us? How about October 2012? A peace and serenity settling in, anticipation of a new life....life beginning to show promise and depth and love in relationships. A move to the city. To life. To relationships. Community.

Its February 2nd, 2013. Why reflect on October? Hekate. Crossroads. Chosen pathways. Kali has been my ally.

Perhaps that has been when the work of this cycle began?  Samhain. The void, the beginning before the beginning.

Each step has taken me here.
Each step has taken us all here.

I had been doing some deep trance work the other day and previously had been struggling about some choices that were presented to me. During the trance I heard one sentence vividly, "Be who you are now. Not who you were." Who I was when? A moment ago? Last year? 5 yrs, 10.... lifetimes? I am drawn back to the image of the drop of water from the ocean. How God Herself is the ocean and taken out of the ocean we are the individual droplets yet we are also the ocean. The substance is the same. It makes me think of myself as a micro image of the ocean. Ana who I am now is the ocean of all of the selves who came before me. All of my selves are within and I can draw on any part of myself. The self that is the personality and the Self that is part of the whole. Right now it feels like all these S/selves are coming together to be a whole. An entire ocean full of potential of possibilities.

Since I moved here I have been "looking" for places I can serve, ways to give back, things I can do to be part of the larger community. I wanted a place I can share my gifts and contribute to change. Then the other day I was reminded once again that the key words I had been using were "looking, searching, finding". I breathe and I connect with the truth that those things that are changing for the good of all and are sustainable are those things that are coming to me. Life has been bringing me the changes. I have simply (ha. yea right...so simple) been listening and responding. That has been the difference in my life. I no longer run the show. I no longer sit and plan and theorize about what I want to do next with my life.

I accept the beauty of my life. I see those ways I am able to give back. Spending time with my daughters. Calling this person. Giving someone money for a pair of shoes. Sharing a book, a remedy or a simple word. Laughing and sharing at work. Just being me. That is enough. I am feeling happiness I have never felt and a lot is due to four simple words, I am giving back....and to three other words, I am enough. Exactly from where I am. Simple, humble ways that do not come from a place of a need to belong, be recognized or from a  lack of self worth. I am moving beyond myself. I just wasn't ready before, no matter how I pushed. I needed me.

I have done the work.
Long arduous work.
It has been worth it.
It has all been worth it.

and now....now I am ready to once again be with Nature. With Her time of stirring and light slowly returning. Little bits at a time.
She is awakening.

We are awakening.

One little step at a time.

Blessed Be!