"The Cyclic Nature of the Universe: creation out of destruction, Life out of Death, The Ouroboros eats its own tail to sustain its life, in an eternal cycle of renewal"
I am changing. Evolving. Stripping Away. Renewing.
Hearth and Soul is transforming,
becoming....
Awakening Feminine Wisdom.
For weeks now (feels like months lol) I have been questioning where I am, who I am and what my true gifts are as a sacred server to the world. I have been responding to what arises in each moment and have done my best to be present. What this has meant is that I have been asked to participate in some deeper stripping away of old....and even some "not so old". For example, I have come to the realization I am not actually an "herbalist" per se at all. I love herbs. I love integrating the herbs into my daily life. I love living in simplicity and making my own remedies and teas. I am not an herbalist. I simply love the herbs. I have met herbalists. They are people who have lived with the plants to a degree I never have. I finally own that. I have other gifts.
I also now realize at what point I began to birth this idea of being an herbalist and "trying" as hard as I can to "become" one. 2006. The year that I went through a catalyst event that changed everything. Through this event I realized with GREAT clarity that my life was severely broken and I myself was in a state of dis-ease....mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. This was the year I walked away from 20 years of Social Work and walked away from my business of Ancient Wisdom. The year I stepped into no-thingness. Invisibility. Being the "Wounded Woman".
The thing was, I did not (could not) stay in this place of no-thingness because there were way too many monsters, too many painful truths that I simply could not face at the time. My response was to quickly begin the mission of "re-creating" myself. I took control to close the "spaciousness" and immediately returned to school in a whole different field of work. Ecosystem Restoration.
..And so the new story began.
I no longer identified myself in anyway as an Intuitive Coach or Social Worker. That time of my life was done. (or so I thought) I negated who I was before because she was simply too sick and I simply could not be "her" anymore. I had to re-create myself and choose a completely different path. Hence, the opening of herbalism and sustainability.
Which brings me to now. A returning to who I am. A completion of a circle and a beginning of a circle.As I talked about last post I have been in a time of spaciousness. A void. Between the worlds. There is a change this time. This time around I am allowing myself to be in the spaciousness. I am beginning to feel the wheel turning in a way that seems to be bringing everything I have experienced in the past together as One. Its like it is all coming together full circle. The Ouroborus or Circle of Life Snake. The World card in the Tarot. The cycle ends where it begins. The symbol of infinity or wholeness. There is no this or that. There is no straight path. It has all been spiraling towards the center in order to help me become more whole and begin again. From a place of wholeness. A deep place of truth.
I realize that the change I am moving through now is much different than any before. In the past when I would see truths about my self or my life I would leap forward to create something new and different. I would create a new goal, a new vision, a new sense of self.
What I see now, that I did not see then, was that I would repeat the same spiral over and over. I kept on responding in the same way I always had. I could not see it for what it was. It was not time for me to see. The alignment was not complete. I continued patterns of control that spiraled around and within themselves for years.
This time, however, I am being gifted with the ability to see this pattern from a complete different perspective. I am responding differently. Allowing a slow shedding of my old skin. I have never emerged this slow before. It has been somewhat of a strange experience.
In the past I probably would have pushed this old skin off with all my might in order to become the next layer of self that lay beneath in order to move into the next spiral. This time, as I have vowed to do it differently I am allowing whatever emerges during this shedding to be present with me and I with it. There have been moments where I was not sure I could stay. I have been tempted to cross over to control and grab the reigns, doing it "my way". Yet, I consistently have been able to return to center and have chosen to stay. Present. In the moment. With what is. I am allowing "It" (Life) to transform me rather than me transform "it".I admit there have been those moments where I have become quite afraid that if I sat any longer in the "void of vagueness" or "not knowing" and with the emotions of sadness or grief that I might be regressing back into the old places of depression, apathy or anxiety. Trust me when you have a story of depression (and other issues) allowing yourself to simply BE in sadness or feeling anxious or uncertain can feel quite intimidating. You just don't know if you have it in you to remain present and be the witness or whether you just might sink in the boat to the bottom of the ocean....and trust me here again when I say the mind can begin playing some pretty nasty tricks with you, taunting you to run and hide and forget about staying true to what is.
I am discovering the power and beauty of remaining true to ALL that is. I am also discovering the beauty of accepting and embracing who I am. ALL of who I am. This is what brings me to truth. This is what brings me to clarity. Clarity of who I am as a sacred server in the world. Slowly becoming clear.
Tarot Consultant. Spiritual Mentor. Priestess.
I am beginning to own my gifts. I believe in them and I am beginning to offer them through the lens of truth rather than self deception. Claiming our Power and Shining our Light in the world is definitely not an easy thing. Worth it? Yes. Easy? No.
Definitely, definitely worth it though.
And so the Wheel turns. As we do.
We are all becoming. We can all become who we are. All we need to do is get out of the way.
Be the World Snake.
The Ouroboros.
"The circular nature of the universe and time....death-rebirth, creation-destruction, love-hate, spring-winter-the eternal dance of the cosmos"
Allowing.
Becoming.
Dying.
Resurrecting.
Becoming
Living and..
Loving.
Truly Living AND Truly Loving
