Birthing Ourselves

Its been 2 weeks.

I am being gentle with myself for missing a week and I "know" it is all perfectly okay..perfectly perfect actually ;)

Today is the first day that I have actually put my foot on the brake and turned off the highway I have been on for about a month. I feel like I have been soaring forward at this tremendous speed up a mountain highway doing quick stops at all these marvelous places and then hopping in my car and speeding off to the next destination. Fascinating possibilities, experiences and teachings at each stop. Creating, experimenting, gathering information, forming relationships, and exploring new opportunities.

Its almost like being in one of those treasure hunts...but in a very fast "souped up" car. You are heading into unknown territory and you don't know where the clues are leading you but each time you go to claim the treasure there is another exciting clue so you jump in your car and chase after the next one. Filling your car up with all these amazing treasures. Each one is so thrilling that you don't even realize you haven't even really stopped to fill up with gas or that your car is getting filled to the brim with these treasures.....or that you have forgotten to stop and take a breather.

Until today. :)

Good thing food has been an exciting and important part of my life as I made sure that any pit stops I made I used the time to create nutritious and delicious mini meals. (which I guess was also at a high speed because it was all new and exciting creating vegan, raw foods)

I realize, however, that I have not really stopped to breathe. lol

I guess Air is an important element as well.

Interesting.

Now that I have pulled off the highway and am sitting in a clearing I realize (again) how important it is to remain conscious with how aligned we are with ALL the elements.

Reflecting on these past few weeks I can see that I have gone through a flux in relating to the elements.


Its funny because prior to the show I was EXTREMELY connected to Fire. My passion was high and I was driven. Almost every moment of my day I was involved in creating something or other for the show. I was VERY connected to my body as much of the passion I was feeling was around food and herbs. I also felt completely aligned with Spirit because almost every move I made came from a deep place within and I followed the "calling" without allowing doubt or fear to get in my way.


These processes are also very much like being pregnant and giving birth.

In essence I believe I had been working up to the show for months. For months I had been moving towards something and had not been clear what it was. As I got closer and closer to the "due date" I started feeling more pressure to have everything ready. I was starting to feel VERY full with promise and potential. I knew I was giving birth to something but really was not clear what "sex" it was...or for that matter whether this "baby" was even going to come out healthy.

Then the last week before the "due date" I started feeling this tremendous panic.

Oh my Goddess!...What if I look like a fool? What if people laugh at all my home made remedies and signs and see me as a little child? What if nobody is interested? What if I don't know how to handle this, or how to talk? Its been years since I "exposed" myself........what if, what if, what if.....

Labor pains.

Labor pains are NOT easy. Labor REQUIRES the breath. Labor requires presence.

Labor requires staying connected.

During my labor I am so grateful I remembered to breathe. I remembered to ground. I was able to primarily stay present. I was able to choose Faith that everything was perfect as I was giving birth to something that Life Herself had been forming and creating. I had been merely the vehicle.

I did the Show.

I went into full blown labor and gave birth. Naturally.

No C-section necessary for this birth. :).

A natural home birth.

All around me I felt this celebration , this community forming, this blessing of new Life. This blessing of a new sense of Self. A blessing of having the strength and courage to be present.... with complete trust that if I could stay in a place of non-attachment all that was emerging was perfect.

And then....

I arrived home.

I was elated and thrilled at all the new possibilities, new community, new insights and just...NEW LIFE.

I started moving forward immediately....full steam ahead.

AND.....

I am VERY grateful that it didn't take too long for me to notice....(or as my friend says "the turn around time was shorter")...... that I did forget for a short time that ......

when we give birth to new life IT IS IMPORTANT TO BE with that new life.

To realize the power of being present with it.

To hold it close, cherish it....and simply Love it.

We don't immediately start running out and taking it on another treasure hunt. (okay maybe some of us forget for a little time) We stay close to home and we rest. We heal from the tremendous power of the labor and we nourish ourselves and this new life.

I remember when I brought Kelsea home (my first daughter) I felt like I had brought someone else's baby home for awhile. It felt almost like I was renting rather than owning. Sounds terrible but in truth that is how I felt at the time...it was such a foreign experience for me to bring home this tiny being full of life. With all my preparation I felt so lost and uncertain how in the world I was going to take care of this little precious being.

I had prepared myself to the hilt with support groups and prenatal classes and books but when it came time to bring her home I felt like I landed on another planet with a whole new set of rules and language.

It kind of feels like that right now.

Well, until today.

I felt like I had fallen off the face of my familiar planet and had landed in this new territory, discombobulated and completely unclear of which step to take, let alone what path to step on. Only thing was....I jumped immediately in the car again and started racing towards the new possibilities.

Thank Goddess I received some healing energy yesterday and some sound advice today that cleared away the beginnings of a possible chaotic and messy "unfolding mystery"

into a

slower

gentler

ride in the country.

So.... today I sit. I embrace and I nourish all that has been born.

I sit with gratitude and I sit in stillness.

Listening and being.

Loving

myself and ALL that is.

Being with all that I am. Staying connected to ALL the elements.

Remembering it is not quite springtime yet.

There is no hurry.

I feel somewhat like I shed a skin and am emerging a new level of

Woman.

Birthing my Self, my Soul a little closer into being....

Thank Goddess ....and thank all my sisters and brothers (in human and other form) for being with me and supporting me EVERY step of the way

And so it is.


Blessed be!


Sage *

...and so there is Light

Good Gracious.

This must be what its like when they talk in those "How to be a Writer" books that if you truly want to write you have to show up and begin writing whether you "feel" like it or not...whether you think you have something to write about. Or not.

This is a little tougher to do than I imagined.

Once a week I said.

Once a week can't be that challenging.

I do recall that some time ago I set the intent for this blog to be about developing a healthier lifestyle, eating healthier food

...and about commitment.

Appears it has become much more about commitment than anything else.

Well, I can certainly say focusing on commitment is pushing me beyond some limits. I feel like I am being somewhat of my younger belligerent self and wanting to rebel against authority and say, "No! I don't want to come out today! I want to do what I want to do!....I want to do what I feel like doing!"

I am guessing that is probably why I never really stayed with anything..... I gave away too much of my power to this younger rebellious toddler or teen within my self. (not sure which one to be honest!)

Discipline.

Ha.
 
Yea. Right.

Yet....

I am here. :)

I choose to be here.

Its been going kinda like this:

I sat in the mud and allowed myself to be there. Trusting and doing what I had been "asked". Feeling awful, feeling sick, dredging through the sludge. After about a week I came out of being "in the mud" and now I feel SUPERBLY aligned with Creator. Ready and willing to act on the new.

I recognize more fully how this is an ever present pattern....the depth of stillness or the "dead end" seems to always open up to the equivalent depth of openness once I move through it.

Fascinating really. Makes those times of being in the mud much much easier every single time I experience this...especially when I trust and stay cognizant of the natural pattern of things while I am sitting in the muck, at the "dead end."

So.... Here I am a week later.

I feel like I have been gifted with this sleek beautiful "car" that has this AMAZING accelerator. I put my foot ever so slightly on the pedal and within seconds I am off, moving at a thrilling speed of 150 km/hr.

I am open. Ideas and action are flowing. I am cooking, dehydrating, making and packaging remedies, planning a "sister" business to Hearth and Soul, spending more time with my daughters, going to hypnosis (with Wyn A Andress - Consulting Hypnotist - enlightening and powerful!).... clearing old belief systems, foreseeing a broader vision/dream that I want to begin and explore......expansion, inspiration, expansion....

I am elated. One idea streams into another and before I know it I am moving towards 15 different visions and ideas that are streaming through my head.  They ALL connect and it feels like everything is coming full circle. The excitement is bubbling as I see AMAZING potential for personal and collective change.

I am off to the races.

Ah.

But.....

This time I see it.

This time the wiser part of me, the "Sage" is present. This time I am not alone.

This time... I am part of a community and I am sharing, I am talking and I am sharing my vulnerabilities. I am not only giving...I am allowing myself to be vulnerable -  receiving incredible wisdom and support from those around me (and within).

Astonishing really. I am always amazed how much I learn. I had no idea how speaking my truth and exposing my "shadow" last post would open the door to such deeper relationships. Stepping into a place of receptivity and vulnerability, instead of always living with an expectation of being centered and conscious, shifts the balance in my relationships, opens my heart to others so much more. What a blessing! <3

I realize as well that when one receives shiny new "toys", one must treat it with mindfulness and respect.

....and with Full Presence and Power.

Being Conscious and Mindful.

I am a little scared as I am being invited to yet again step a little deeper and more public into my power as well...to take more risks, to face yet even more uncomfortable situations and feelings.

I went to a seminar at McMaster with Olivia Chow and amongst many things she spoke frankly about how much we need women leaders and mentors. I know I have walked through a very long story and I know its time. I know it is time for me to step up as the woman I am capable of being. I know that's a lot of what this is about. 

I also know that I have to learn to continue walking through the fear of being in my power.

Walking through.

Not feeling the fear and spending all my time analyzing the fear and figuring out how to manage it.....but simply noticing the fear, discerning the truth of the fear, acknowledging and thanking it and continuing to focus on the task at hand. Moving forward....

With mindfulness.....

with meditation.

Its been a little while since I meditated in the morning.

I am beginning again.

I started out this morning's meditation with reading a small excerpt today in Mark Nepo's book and found the topic quite interesting.

It was about  Greed.

He says this:

"We suffer, often unknowingly, from wanting to be in two places at once, from wanting to experience more than one person can. This is a form of greed, of wanting everything. Feeling like we're missing out on something or that we're being left out, we want it all. But, being human, we can't have it all. The tension of this can lead to an insatiable search, where our passion for life is stirred,  but never satisfied. When caught in this mindset, no amount of travel is enough, no amount of love is enough, no amount of success is enough"

I would like to add that we also caught in the mindset that we are never enough...we are just simply never enough as we are. period.

I believe I may have been here...with greed...without even knowing it. Always wanting more. Always feeling like I had to do it all NOW....for if I didn't I might not get there, I might lose it all. Hold on tight and don't let go.

Perhaps, this is why I am now able to accept this new "car" with grace and consciousness....perhaps that is why I have even been gifted with the "car". Perhaps I at some level know I am ready.

I am learning I am enough.

It is enough.

There is enough.

Enough for all of us to go around.

With full presence and an openness of heart....

pushing ever so slightly on the gas pedal I move forward at a moderate/ yet vibrant speed...trusting I am seeing all I need to see ....doing all I need to do.....until I see the sign

the sign to slow down, brake and pause.... just a little

then I observe, breathe and be.....and start up again....ever so slightly, holding firmly/yet loosely on the wheel.

Turning my head to listen to my guide who always sits beside me and simply (lol), with faith, moving ahead from there.

Yet again, ever so slightly.

Blessed be my friends!

Thanks for being a part of my journey.

Love.

Sage