Just...Showing Up

Well....

Last week I mentioned how this was feeling like the beginnings of a relationship.....and I committed to writing this blog every week. It feels important for me to follow through with that right now...so here I am...

...exactly as I am.

I am realizing with commitment to any relationship there are going to be some tough times and as we are meeting those tough times face to face we have a choice...(actually we have many choices). Which path are we choosing to take as we "be with" the tough time.

As I posted on Facebook this past week I feel like since Mercury went Retrograde I have felt like I walked into a Jumanji game.

I can honestly say that precisely to the day, I felt a shift happen within me. All that liveliness and initiative I had been feeling felt like it was sucked right out of my system and I fell in to this shadow zone of

nothing...

retreat....and

emptiness.

Sometimes it scares me when I have nothing left, no energy to keep moving. It scares me that it won't pass. If I allow myself to be in this space of "nothing", of not growing or getting better at something than I might stay exactly where I am and I won't evolve as a person. If I do that I might always have this pain I have been experiencing in my body lately or I might never achieve the level of health I am seeking, or I might never move out of this paralysis and never succeed in my business....

We could call this perfectionism, or fear or sabotage..... Perhaps its that deep conditioning instilled within me about constant movement and progress towards our goals or those years of training that I was never good enough. I would call that patriarchal thinking.....it definitely does not sound like the teachings of the Feminine that I have been embracing in my life.

I have always had a history of being hard on myself. Always "striving" to do better or "be" better than I am.  I "should" be doing this or I "should" be doing that.

Whose voices are those really anyway? Are they sincerely mine? What if instead I paused long enough to listen and ask instead what is it that I feel I need right now? ...and...which aspect of myself is expressing that? Maybe "I" have been moving through so much change/ doing so much that a different part of myself is seeking some attention. If I want peanut butter and bread perhaps I need to pause and ask why is it this part of myself is seeking this comfort? What is it that I truly need right now?

I fully realize that I often repeat myself in these blogs and I am okay with that. Life is not linear. As I become aware of something it does not mean it is now gone. It has just moved through one level of awareness. As I deepen my experience and move through the healing these same issues might arise, however, on a complete different wheel, different level of existence. Its an opportunity for me to view it from yet again another perspective.

So the question I ask is how do I remain committed to something and DO nothing at the same time. If doing nothing IS part of the commitment then what does it actually mean then to be committed?...and what is it I am actually committing to?

Perhaps this is why it is so important to have clarity.

Clarity only comes in stillness.

When I say I am committed to eating healthier, to listening to my body, to being a "homesteader" and to "creating" a business called Hearth and Soul does this mean I am committed to consistently focusing on these things ALL of the time? Is it about striving to be the best ALL the time? Always moving forward, always being healthy, always being productive?

Or does it actually mean something else entirely?

Suppose its simply about loving?

Loving our bodies, loving our lives, loving what it is that is birthing itself through me?

Simply loving ourselves.

What if it's about being fully present with whatever it is that is arising in the moment and embracing that? Even if it means giving myself permission to rest after taking care of a sick daughter? Or having a little bit of peanut butter on some gluten free bread. Even if it means not doing anything to "build" Hearth and Soul or to prepare my own meals... Even if it means writing this blog and truly having nothing else to say but this.

Even if it means...

Just showing up.

Trusting that is all I need to do.

Just show up.

Even if showing up means

doing

absolutely

nothing...

and

being with the fear

of all of that.

I am giving myself permission to take it easy, to take a break from pushing myself to be productive, to prepare healthy food, create some new aspect of my business, or make anther herbal remedy.... Or from having to come up with something wise to say on this blog. (...and really who says I have to anyway?)

What if, just what if, its about laying back on the couch reading a book...or having a nap....and truly doing nothing?

Yes. That's it.

I think that is exactly what I will do.

I will show up

now

to this moment

and do exactly that.

Blessed Be all!

Love and Peace :)

Stepping a Little Closer.....

Greetings all!

This is starting to actually feel like a relationship. :)

Amazing how when you commit to something and actually discipline yourself to show up and do the work, that experience begins to grow into an actual relationship. I admit it is taking some energy, some nudging and pushing to "show" up" consistently and be present in this relationship. I have no doubt  a piece of that has to do with all the unknowns and whether this is what my heart truly wants. It may sound like a "common sense" thing to do - to show up - yet when you are a person like me, (excuse me Universe - like I have been in the past....not like me now ;)) showing up and being fully present... consistently, has NOT been a common practice.

Perhaps, that's why I am spending so much time on commitment. (and bear with me, as I read this post over I see it is a lengthy one, yet it all feels so relevant to share I chose to keep it as is :))

If I reflect on my past, I always had the greatest intentions - I truly wanted to have my own business, I wanted to work with my herbs, I wanted to eat healthy food (made by my own hands in my own kitchen) I wanted to do yoga regularly.....I truly wanted all of these things. Problem was there was always something missing. I would get started with intensity and gather all the tools I needed and then....

......I would get bored, life would unfold around me, the wind would start changing directions...and off I went to explore something else.  It felt right. I felt called to do these things. My passion had waned for the thing I had begun a relationship with and it was time to move on. I see it now...that need for that next romantic rush, that feeling of elation and excitement. I was learning and expanding and I was sure that was the best path for me.

 Yet.........even though I explained it to be that I was a "jack of all trades" and a "master" of none; that I was just one of those people that had multitude interests, I don't think I ever truly understood how many issues I had with that one little word.


Commitment.

Not surprising really. I have always had a tendency (yes Universe...I know an important adjective - had) to get addicted to the high of the "rush", to the excitement of the learning ...plus the fact that there were many factors from my past that inhibited me from immersing myself with intimacy in any relationship....and the teaching I was receiving about commitment from my community and society itself was NOT something I wanted to be a part of....NOT one little bit.

I could do a whole blog on this one little word. (perhaps for another day :) Right now I have committed to focus on healthy eating....This is about food.

This is about body, about mind and about Soul.

All aspects of ourselves must be aligned for us to be committed...to be truly committed.

If we truly want something we have to make the time to connect and connect and re-connect again...every single day. That's how we take the action that brings us towards success. At least that's the action that has been bringing me towards success...success being that feeling of happiness, of feeling vibrant, abundant and grateful.

Relationships with people isn't really that different than having a relationship with whatever we are relating with. Its just the exchange of energy expresses itself in a complete different vibration... the relationship between you and your experience (ie. my food and I)  is at a much more subtle level than our relationship with humans.

No wonder we give up so easily.

We don't 'see' those results. We don't 'feel' that immediate sense of satisfaction. We do not 'see' the benefits of all the work we are putting into it. We just don't 'feel' that immediate gratification we are so encouraged to be driven by in our society... So little by little we walk away, we turn away and we are no longer fully present in that relationship. We are half involved, partially interested and too distracted by everything else.


Such is the way of our society.

So, we have a choice. Follow the ways of the patriarchal society and continue our old habits of seeking immediate gratification and success...

...or we trust.

We trust in a Source that comes from a balance between the Masculine (active) and the Feminine (receptive). We discipline ourselves and take the action and.... 

...we listen to Source, allowing patience for it to unfold, trusting our heart is leading us to that which is in our highest interest.

So, this brings me to the practical, active piece of this work. The actual physical steps of following through with our commitment to become more conscious of our food and choose habits that are in line with the health of our bodies and of the earth.

We have looked at our habits of emotional eating, identified where we wish to be and now I am being asked to share something new that could propel us even further forward.

One of the things I realize as I am deepening my relationship with food is that there is a definite need to bring my kitchen up to the same level as I am. Its like anything really. As I change and develop; the old patterns, habits or ways of being that are no longer useful need to be released in order to create space for the new. Some of the equipment I had in my kitchen is no longer useful, the way I have things set up and what is in my pantry is no longer aligned with my new habits. As I become closer to eating more vegan and raw food I really don't have much need for my bread maker anymore. My girls gifted me with an AMAZING Excalibur dehydrator for my birthday (I know I am truly blessed! :)) so the plastic one I had no longer fits with my level of experience.  I also have old cookbooks that have recipes using gluten and meat and they just do not match who I am anymore.

So, here I am going through my entire kitchen. Doing an inventory of sorts.....going through my herbal cupboard, my pantry, my drawers, my fridge....

Now, yes... I hear someone out there thinking "Wow, that would take a lot of time - go through everything.. I barely have enough time to prepare food at home with all the other things I got going in my life...and now I am supposed to do this too!...and besides who has the money to buy all the equipment and ingredients I need anyway?!."

If anyone is like I have been (...and yes....I repeat to the Universe..... this was in the past, I am now in a different place) you could definitely take the old road and say "screw it", walk away and stick with what you have been doing.... or feel so overwhelmed you go in to paralysis, feeling frustrated as you really want this and beating yourself up for not doing anything......

Been there done that. Many times. Thing was though, when I really embraced this concept of "one foot in front of the other" things began to change....

....gradually.

I would look at the ideas brewing inside me and the action I needed to take and I would take one small step forward. Maybe even just one. If that's all I had I also began to embrace that, that was simply good enough. I did not have to be better than I was. I was doing the best I could at the time and that was good enough.

A friend of mine responded perfectly when I commented about how I was feeling a little pulled to follow my old patterns of going in to paralysis or distracting my self by doing meaningless things.....she said "Not an option - don't waste your energies thinking of old patterns which have not served you or propelled you - re-channel those energies into the commitments and promises you have vowed to take. Get going!"

So beautifully said!

I know as I practice the little steps repeatedly over time those steps become a little more like strides.... without me even realizing it. The more I practice, the stronger I become and the further I am propelled forward.

In a nutshell here are a couple things that I am finding helpful as I move through this next spiral of change:

1. I am definitely pausing and centering, asking for assistance from Source energy before I make any plans or decisions. (checking in with "my boss" you might say) on a daily basis - several times during the day actually.

2. I am working with someone who is "acting" as my accountability person ( I say acting because for me I feel I am ultimately accountable to God Herself as she is the director of my life)

3. I am choosing a specific time for the week to do time management for that entire week...keeping in my mind I have to be flexible; however, I have so many things going on (including a part time job) that I have to organize my time to follow through) I even set the timer on my phone so I stick with the time I delegated to the task.

4. I am taking stock of my successes

5. I am remembering to be gentle with myself

6. I am accessing resources to help me move forward in the most efficient way.


As before, I am posting a couple articles on the Hearth and Soul Facebook page as resources to help you continue to progress further on your journey towards healthy eating.

I hope you find something here that is helpful!

If you are seeking any further support please feel free to connect with me!

Love and Blessings

Sage

Comfort Foods be Gone!

Well, I am doing it.

I have committed to a number of things in the past and admittedly had difficulty sticking with one for any length of time. My attention always seemed to waver and be drawn to something else out there; however lately, I have been consciously focusing on some commitments that feel true enough and deep enough to stick with for awhile. Being consistent with these posts is one of them. Making healthy food and remedies in my own kitchen is another. Creating a business that serves the Goddess/the greater good is yet another. They are all weaving themselves together.

There admittedly have been many things I have wanted to commit to in the past, however, there have really only been a few that I actually did. Its only been recently that I am getting some real clarity with which ones I might actually even consider getting "married" to! (and trust me ...using that word itself says something! lol)



Throughout my journey's walk I have used an immeasurable number of tools to keep moving moving forward AND improve my health ...on many levels. As I revisit my last blog I remind myself that right now I have committed to sharing what I have learned and what has helped me to develop a healthier lifestyle specifically for my body.

I have a lot to share. That I am sure of.....I mean really....this is coming from someone who definitely had some addiction issues...and not just to alcohol....


To comfort food.

 Oh yea, comfort food was my source of sanity. I remember a time when being hungry was simply NOT an option. It was imperative that I felt full. If I waited to eat that meant I felt empty. If I felt empty that meant I felt more vulnerable. Being vulnerable was NOT a safe place for me to be.

Hunger equated with what I call "spinning". Feeling like I was going to lose it and completely spin out of control. Emotions would bubble up, my heart would speed up and I felt like the anxiety was going to combust out of my chest. I feared so deeply I would turn into this crazy mad woman running wildly down the streets. (seriously, I am not kidding here....I truly feared this at the time)

Dense doughy food was the answer. (well of course some substances here and there ...)

Eat healthier they would say. Healthy? Like salads? Like light meals? L.M.A.O. Not a chance. No way could I spend any length of time without a sandwich, coffee or snack. Anything to make me feel dense and heavy. Comfortably full. No space for any dark little demons to come out of the closets I had stuffed them in so well.

Its amazing how writing this takes me back in time and makes me look back and question...so what helped me? What helped me get out of this never ending wheel of moving towards inflexibility, inflammation and chronic fatigue. For me it had to get pretty bad before I actually had the courage to let go and take the risk to sit with the emptiness....even just a little.

One thing I learned that I think truly over rides everything else. Doing it alone did NOT work. Doing it alone was all I knew. I ALWAYS did it alone. There was no way I was letting anyone in. Not a chance. Took that bus. Crashed that one...several times. I depended on me and the sheer force of will to pull me through. That was how I survived.

Yet, I do believe that this all radically changed when I stepped through the doors of AA. Everything changed... Nothing was ever the same. Even though I learned AA was not my place and nor my issue, one thing I did learn was how incredibly powerful it was to know that I did not have to go it alone. Not only did my relationship with my Higher Power become stronger I also began to allow others to see my vulnerability, which in turn allowed me to see theirs. We could support each other. I began to see and experience how opening up and sharing my fears with another allows them to open theirs. I saw how my issues were there issues and we all share the same pain....and the same joy.

We are all in this together. Good Goddess, we have to be! We all have to stand strong against a society that encourages us to be addicts every single day. How in the world can we expect to ever do it alone?! Talking about setting ourselves up for falling down again and again!

So.

We share information, we give support. We take one little step towards our passion ...with commitment....gently, yet with conviction. We allow ourselves to admit our weaknesses and we share them with others....allowing them the space and freedom to also express theirs....and the connection begins, the healing begins ...and we all get healthier together...one little step at a time (my goodness I say that a lot don't I! lol)

Tomorrow is my birth-day :)

Another wheel begins.

Today I created a new Facebook page. I am posting a pdf file about Emotional Eating on my page that I find interesting and helpful. It is a beginning. I am now working for the Goddess and I am sure she has a lot for me to do....not sure how its all coming together but I AM sure She will let me know!


I have a feeling this is just the beginning :)

Another one ;)

Blessings!!

Sage

The Committment, the Pause, and the Transformation

It may have been very recent since I wrote my previous blog; however, as some of you may know, when I am called to do something I generally do it even if it doesn't make sense. Last blog I started talking loosely about the idea of commitment and now I feel I am being called to share a little about my own process as I walk with commitment and step ever so much closer to an even healthier brighter me. :)

One of the tools I have in my kit to assist me with staying committed to my choices/passions is creating the space and time to be creative. When I am creative I am able to get more clarity and insight from my intuitive self rather than relying too much on my analytical and logical mind. A few days ago I shared an an afternoon of creative expression with three beautiful women and I found myself in a surprisingly odd place.

Once I moved through the whole process I was gifted with some powerful insights that I thought might be helpful for others to hear.

I suspect that the beginning of this process was triggered by the collage I had created that afternoon. After I had put everything away I noticed I was experiencing this sensation of an ending of sorts meandering quietly through me and this great sense of disappointment. I was totally lacking any insight about what I was to do next and knew without a shadow of a doubt that this had much more to do than it just being the end of the afternoon.

Essentially what rattled my core was that I started my collage with the intention of getting some clarity about what I wanted my work to look like and instead of receiving this, something else entirely was beginning to evolve.  Because of the intensity of my feelings I decided to sit with the images and words that were spread over the paper. As I did so, all kinds of feelings and dreams emerged that I thought I had let go of some time ago; ones I had felt were a little too far out of my reach. I had come to a place of acceptance that it simply was a little too late in my life for me to pursue these dreams and I had filed them safely away in the far corners of my mind under lost opportunities....and now they were emerging.

Just when things were starting to come together.

All the momentum I had been gathering since the Solstice seemed to abruptly come to a stop. That elated sense of commitment and drive that had been enveloping me dropped from 100 - 10....

just.
like.
that.

To help you get a sense of what I am talking about maybe it would be a good idea to fill you in a little ;)

Since mid December it has felt like I developed this ability to fly and was soaring forward with all my passions, dreams and desires with incredible grace and ease. I had been gifted the book "Passion Test" by a friend and had decided I would take the homework in the book seriously, making a commitment to myself and following through with the tasks, exercises and actions they had suggested (even though a part of me was reminding myself I had done this work a million times before). Amazingly, once I committed to this work things immediately began to take off (lol - you would think I "should" know this by now). It felt like Life Herself had been waiting with anticipation for me to open the door as new ideas, insights and opportunities ran towards me with open arms. Clarity of my path was as visible as a full moon shining brightly in a cloudless night sky.

A small portion of a dream I had the following night illustrated quite effectively what was actually occurring in my life quite well. I had been on my bike going up a mountain and I was getting very close to the top.....I was pushing forward with all my might; however, as my energy was almost depleted I was slowing down dramatically. Regardless, I continued moving forward. I knew a bus was stuck behind me but I was determined to get to the top and was not letting anything distract me or pull me off course.  I did not pull over and eventually I made it to the top. Unfortunately, as soon as I arrived I noticed both my tires were completely flat. I could go no further....yet.... as soon as I arrived there in front of me was a pumping station conveniently there to to blow up my tires. Regardless of the fact that there were pumps immediately available, I still felt this incredible sense of disappointment and frustration as I had no choice but to stop before I could continue on my journey.

Two things I noticed.

1. In the dream I did not even stop for a second and celebrate the fact that I had just biked up this incredibly enormous mountain safely and with good speed....I had not even taken the time to absorb what it was for me to bike that far, nor did I realize that I was being offered an opportunity to fill up my tires before continuing on the next leg of my journey.... in essence I did not even consider the idea of pausing and allowing myself time and space to energize, nourish and basically restore myself with some self love before continuing on my journey to the next mountain.

2. I did not even think of expressing one iota of gratitude for the gift of the pumping station ready and waiting for me at the top of the mountain....let alone my body's ability to do the journey in the first place!

Interestingly enough, all that was going through my mind was that this meant I had to stop moving forward towards my passions, I had to take some "time off", cease taking all the action and basically sit tight. There was nowhere for me to go, AND it was even possible I might not even be heading down the right path.

Definitely time to surrender to the Greater Mystery and let go of any preconceived notions that I knew what was going on!

With trepidation (much less than the past I will say that!...AND am grateful for ;)) I accepted and followed the flow of what was in front of me. My daughter needed my attention (she was struggling with a bad cold and sore throat), dishes were piling up, food had to be prepared and I had to work at 4:00 pm. I dove in and responded.

Following the call of family and simple mundane tasks has its own magic.

I realized something far more powerful was emerging...and I believe this was only because I listened and chose to surrender to the moment. I received some solid evidence that I totally do not have to know what is coming next, that what I think is going on is often not what is unfolding at all.

As the day progressed I :

• devised a whole herbal program  (to be posted in future blog) for my daughter to use as she was suffering from something we "diagnosed" (through the help of the internet ;)) as Viral Pharyngitis. 
• prepared some quinoa to have ready for different meals as I was returning to my busy schedule of work this week
• took out some frozen home-made soups and meals for the next couple days (prepared during my spare time so that while I am busy I don't return to my old habits of slapping food together)
• did some very effective organizing in the kitchen
• wrote a letter to someone with such clarity and truth that it was paradigm to a shift I am making towards only choosing to do and be with those people that are in favor of my highest self and my passions
• wrote a big portion of this blog

.....AND still went to work for 4:00!

Who says there is not enough time to follow our passion and remain committed to our Selves each and every day? I have a feeling it all has to do with how much we are willing to surrender to what is in the moment and trust where our hearts lead us. 

One little step at a time.

I am so grateful for this moment exactly as it is. 

Blessings with your commitments!!

Sage <3

........I would invite you to read this "Sounding of the Heart" by Sophia Bonnie Wodin as it brings this all together quite beautifully as well

http://www.sophiabonniewodin.blogspot.ca/

Transforming our Relationships with Food

Hearth and Soul.

....this has certainly been taking on a new meaning for me as time moves forward!

As I contemplate the meaning I realize I can come from many angles as I write here.....

I could focus on feeding our Soul....

Gaining knowledge and wisdom for the Soul through receiving
assistance from our guides through Tarot and Astrology

Working to align our live and passions with the nature's cycles/ the cosmic cycles
Motivation, inspiration, confidence building
Living our Passions
Expressing ourselves in the world
Being of Service
Empowering Women.....
Empowering our True Authentic Selves....(no matter gender)

The list goes on :)

or I could go to the Hearth

Cooking nourishing foods
Herbal remedies
Natural cleaners
Our relationship with food.....
Loving our bodies

Choosing....

to love our bodies
spending time in our kitchens



making foods we love .....

foods that honour the earth

instead of

Choosing comfort foods
numbing our emotions
hiding from the shadows
denying ourselves,
becoming invisible.....

I personally choose freedom

freedom from addiction
freedom from bondage to personal oppression (and social ones but that is a whole other story!)

Freedom. period.

------------------------------

As I am currently working at Green Smoothie Bar/ Vegan Market and this month we are focusing even more on developing a healthier lifestyle, eating healthier foods and cleaning out our bodies I feel driven to focus on the Hearth and would like to offer some support with how we could nourish our bodies (and in turn nourish the earth).....one little step at a time.

Easy to start.
More difficult to sustain.

My thoughts?

I have walked towards this way of being for many years. From addictions to bread, peanut butter, heavy starchy foods and slapping together something fast to "fill me" (in more ways than one...I never liked that feeling of emptiness - brought up too much anxiety and other "bad" stuff) to well on my way to eating vegan/vegetarian almost every day, cooking/ preparing amazing raw/vegan foods and being blessed with an intimate relationship with my food.

It was not easy. It was not fast. In fact, it was a very slow, gradual process. It took practising this 'new' thing called patience and self discipline... a little bit at a time every single day. (well maybe not every day lol...admit there are days I said "screw it, this is way too much work and I'm feeling too many s#*@ty feelings!)

Over the years I kept on, one step, one stumble, one step, fall down & hit my face, two steps, one stumble.......you get the picture :) . Just kept pushing on...one step one moment at a time.

So, in tune with our goal at GSB I am including with this post a "Healthy Commitment Toolkit" on Facebook that might help you get some sense of your commitment to eating healthier. It may not be exactly what you wish to do, however, it might be a template for you to create a plan for yourself as you move forward. In the kit it does refer to a "Natural Fit Forever Program" and this you can check out by linking to http://www.veghealth.com/fit-forever-ebook-invite/

For me, I had to really get clarity about where I was in the present, where I had been, and where I wanted to be in the future before I could make any commitment with creating major changes in my life.

Maybe you already have a fairly healthy lifestyle. Maybe you even come to GSB several times a week to eat the amazingly delicious vegan food....but, question is...how much do you dedicate yourself to becoming self sustainable and choosing to spend time in your own kitchen making your own food with your own hands?

Again, not easy. There are days I come home from work and I am totally zonked and the last thing I want to do is spend time in my kitchen. Yet, its getting easier. I have plans. I have ways of doing it that make it possible to spend more of my time choosing health than I do just filling up.

Its all about choice. Ha. Yea. If only it were so easy. lol.

So, one step at a time I would like to do what I can to help you develop that healthier lifestyle....one little step at a time. :)

Blessings!
Sage