October 27, 2012

Well I started writing something back in September and then I was whipped into a vortex of shifting my reality of one life to begin a complete other one somewhere else. It all started with this blog I wrote yet never  posted.........


I am getting closer and closer to the depths of truth about what it is I am actually embarking on. The Universe Herself is leading me towards the possibility of opening my own shop and beginning my own business and I am starting to get closer to the actual truth of what needs to be done if this is to truly manifest into physical form. If truth be told I am beginning to notice the old feelings of anxiety beginning to creep up especially quickly right now.

I have had so many grand dreams before and so many of them never really surfaced into any kind of sustainable reality.The fear around this one is that I am dealing with money to a much bigger degree and there is much more responsibility along with that. Do I truly have this in my bones to be able to handle this responsibility? If I start this and  follow it through there is no easy way to pull out and say "oh I think this might not be such a good idea after all" If I keep going down this road it means I have to work extra hard and stretch my imagination and creativity beyond any boundaries I had set between me and my dreams iin the past. It means I have to fully step into my power and will not have any room for doubt and insecurity. There will be no more playing around.

I think today I have actually realized the enormity of what it is I am beginning to follow. I ask myself often am I really ready for this? Am I really capable of handling this kind of responsibility? I will be opening this store by myself. I will have to deal with the problems and I will not have others to lean on to rescue me. I will have to be resourceful and I will have to deal with whatever issues and questions come up along the way. I know it is of the utmost importance I do not try and go this alone. I have to allow others to support me and I have to be comfortable with getting out there and asking questions.

I feel the fear that my characteristic of being an introvert and not very good socially is going to get in the way of  being able to follow this through successfully. Most often in the past I was the quiet one. I think of going out with my friend and she was always the social one asking questions and making connections while I stood in the background listening and observing. Am I really ready to stand in the foreground and speak openly to others? To speak confidently about my service and what I have to offer? Am I truly ready for this? Or is this another one of my facades and unwritten stories?

I guess all in all in the end it truly is up to me. It is my choice about whether I am prepared to push myself hard enough to push past these insecure thoughts and fears and open myself in ways I have never done. The question again I ask is Am I truly ready to take this kind of leap?.............

So that was where I left off. Now I live in a new town with a new job and being gifted with opportunities to bring together what I need to create my own center. Trees and other aspects of nature have been such teachers to me. I have got to share some of the images of the trees, earth and rocks that have spoken to me in the last couple months as I have begun to cross the threshold of familiarity and security into the unknown.

To be still for so many ages. Her ear to the earth she listens and is.

Ancestors. Time.

The creation of shape 

naturally taking place over many millennia

oh as humans

    the patience.....

The trees are dancing...

without question of what comes next. 

They do not stop the dance

 simply because they are losing all their splendor and beautiful leaves. 

They simply are. 

Nature. 

Herself.

All life. All seasons.

Ancient mysteries?

... mysteries

contemplating

allowing

Her

Essence

 to take shape

to become

to allow

the beauty of the earth

meeting sky

conduits of energy

 of life

releasing  Her cloak

of splendor

                                              

Her arms outstretched and celebrating life.

Telling me to embrace the cycle 

of all seasons. 

Even the season 

of death and decay. 

There is an obvious beauty in the transformation from one life to the next.....

The struggle for me has been walking each day without understanding of what comes next as I lose all "my leaves", no plan, no specific ideas of what action to take next. No outline of what to bring forward and what to leave behind. This is not the time to know. I must allow the leaves to just fall and stand here bare, raw. The future is in front of me like some bottomless canyon. 

I must leave self behind.

All that I have done is strewn somewhere down there in the void.  

 I too am Nature Herself

 I must embrace the cycle 

I must be right here

 right now

letting death come 

and move ever so slowly 

letting the shapes of Life form 

birthing themselves 

in the right time

Her time

Samhain

winter

silence

it approaches

now is not the time

I am at peace

today

 I hear and see

 the trees

the earth 

the rocks 

the animals

now

I am 

Here goes I....

Blessed Be!

Well its been a little bit of time since I have written here. I keep visiting here, checking within to hear what needs to be said and all that arises is vacancy...until tonight. Tonight I received a message loud and clear just to speak from where I come from right now.

So, where am I then?

I seem to be in the middle of nowhere, a time of complete still and quiet. I keep seeing a vivid picture of myself laying on my back on the river, not doing anything but letting the river take me where it wants. If you can remember last time I spoke about the speed at which everything had been moving, and boy was it moving for a good number of days. I guess I am in sync with the moon right now though as I am in the dark just as She is. I am really becoming aware of the power of letting go, trusting and moving at the right time, knowing I will receive guidance for the next step exactly when I need it. When everything is aligned and perfect.

Fascinating thing is it truly has been different than any other time before. I seem to have left the tremendously huge bags of doubt and anxiety somewhere in my past. I have even developed the ability to act immediately upon the guidance received and move only to the degree which I have been led. That was NEVER the case in the past. Oh, I had dreams. Big dreams as a matter of fact; dreams that swam around everywhere within my mind, yet I could not get myself to take the action to bring them into my physical reality. I just had too much mud and debris clogging the stream. Thank the Goddess I was blessed with the courage, strength and tenacity to get my hands dirty and start digging in the muck....and man was that a thick stagnant mass of muck! (So in fact all those years surviving abuse and trauma were a beautiful gift! I would NEVER have gotten this far without all those situations to push me to find these traits within myself)

So, I dug in. I dug until I could completely own, accept and eventually embrace all of that muck with love. It definitely got dirty and I remember there were days I pleaded because I did not think I could take anymore. Days where I came so close to submitting completely to the dark I was not sure I could come back up. Yet I ALWAYS did. Every single time I was given what I needed to come out the other side and back to the surface.

Every single time.
Every single time Life Herself stuck out Her hand and brought me what I needed.

I remember the patterns though. I remember them well. The gifts would come and my climb back out would commence. I would begin to have hope and see promise. Dreams of a new life , a new way of living would emerge and I would become determined to make them happen. I would become like the bull charging the muleta that the matador holds and waves around in a bullfight. Interestingly,what the bull does not know is behind that red cloth is a sword that will be used to kill the bull, and that the red is used to conceal the truth of the blood spilled after the kill. The analogy works perfectly because I did not see the truth of my drive/ my passionate "will" towards my goals. I had no idea that what was behind that "cloth" was everything I needed to sabotage or "kill" whatever dreams I had awoken.

I have since learned to free the bull back to the wild and honor the movements of other creatures such as the turtle and spider or even the jaguar. Only to name a few. The animals have so much to teach in the way they go after their mate, their prey or their food. Or simply the way they live in harmony with Nature Herself.

The simpler I live and the less I carry (internally and externally), the more I am able to reflect that alignment with the One and the more Life opens to the magnificence so many of my teachers have always spoken of.

For so many years I have been able to move forward because I chose to believe that those who walked before me were telling the truth  that anything was possible. I am now beginning to taste it. I am now beginning to live it and I am excited beyond measure to be in a place where I can give back to others in the way that those others have given to me.

The trick today is to allow. As I said I am in stillness right now. I have done all that I know and now I wait. Patiently.
....and I am thrilled because it is a new moon in a couple of days and that means right now we are in the darkest time of the moons cycle and I have not gone to my own darkest places as I have before.

I simply Am

in the dark
and
 that
       is
          okay!

Blessed be All!
Love,
Sage
 

Wow things are moving fast. I have no doubts in my mind about time speeding up as I can barely keep up with the shifts and changes in my internal and external world. Seems as soon as I receive an insight and I begin following that insight, a stream comes off of that one opening another before I even have time to sit with the first one. Talking about flexibility, detachment and flowing with the river!

Its actually quite exciting because I have never felt this ability to allow and surrender as I am now. So often in the past I would receive an insight and immediately begin creating this beautiful fantasy in my head and then begin the process of doing whatever I had to, to make it happen. I basically tried a lot of the techniques and tools I learned in books and from our general society. I would make grand lists of things I had to do to accomplish my goals and set time lines. I would plan the fantasy down to every detail and collect all the information I needed to make it happen. If obstacles got in my way I would say "screw you" and keep pushing forward. I was certain these were only challenging and testing my ability to keep moving forward. Well, I definitely did create my "fantasy". Only problem was most often it came from my small human mind  (which by the way carried a lot of baggage and very crooked, destructive thinking - of which I had no idea were even alive and well within me at the time) So, of course you can imagine what kind of reality I continued to create throughout my life.

Initially my fantasies would feel great. Initially I would be a powerhouse, a bull and my creation would unfold ever so quickly. The initial romantic stage is always so much fun. Problem was I never wanted to leave that stage. I did not like to sit on the ground and deal with the mundane. That was boring. I thrived on the thrill of manifesting and visualizing and creating great destinies in my mind. Little did I know I was terrified of success and I was terrified of failure. I had absolutely no confidence in my self that I was even remotely able to be successful. I was just making it all happen. So, of course the beautiful saboteur inside of me was always ready and willing to step in and ensure it never progressed to the next stage of the relationship. The 'house' so to speak never got built. Well, the roof did. Only problem was there was never a floor, a foundation to stand on.  Many, many scattered projects that ultimately never led to anything. Many scattered dreams and wishes held up in the sky by nothing. Nothing strong. Nothing solid and nothing sustainable. I was left with....you guessed it...nothing.

I could never achieve that feeling of happiness and contentment I heard so many talk about. It always seemed to be beyond my grasp. No matter how hard I tried. That is the key word. I tried. I did not 'allow'. I didn't even know what that was at the time. I would move so fast I never gave myself a chance to know anything about underlying levels.  I never thought about taking the time to explore the entire 'house' I saw before me and learn what was beyond the beautiful landscape and architectural walls outside. Never even dreamed of looking in the "basement". I had no time for that. I needed to create and I wanted it now. I mean come on. I live in a society that is all about immediate gratification. How could I not want it right away? Follow Natures' timing? Wait for the signals and signs for the next step? You got to be kidding. Nature moved WAY too slow for me. I'd be a 100 years old before I ever got anywhere!

As is obvious through my sarcasm I learned a great many lessons through my journeys. I have crashed and fallen so many times its a wonder I am still alive and moving forward. Its a blessing really. It truly is the grace of the Universe that I am where I am today. Grace and a willingness to consistently look deeper and further to find the truth about what was wrong with my life and how I could make it right. A willingness to meet those demons (many, many frightening demons I must say) face to face and eventually allow them to be a part of me, yet be my master no more.

So here I am. More doors are opening and presenting themselves faster than I can even think them up. Beautiful, amazing doors that I never even knew existed. This time is different. I have learned my lessons and I have developed a faith and knowing  beyond all I ever knew my entire life. This time I choose to listen to the calls of Nature and my own internal guidance system. This time I choose to pay attention when I feel those feelings of doubt, fear, anger and worry. I choose to acknowledge they are telling me something. I have the strength and confidence now to listen and trust I will be shown. This time I trust my intuition and I honor it. I own my Self as a wonderfully wild womyn.

I have called my Self, my desires and passion to me. I have done away with the debris cluttering my mind and my home. I acknowledged the importance of having a foundation to my 'home' rather than building a house in the sky. Now all I have to do is pay attention and act on those things that are leading me down the path that will take me there. No more analyzing, figuring out and beating my head against a wall trying to understand what to do next. Now I know that everything is already there, waiting for me. All the people, the money, the tools and supplies I need are all there. I just have to match my vibration to it so I can see and touch it in the physical realm. I have to be Nature Herself and discipline myself to move in Her time. Then the 'house' that is built will be the most amazingly, beautiful creation you and I have ever seen.

Whew.
Well I better take it one step at a time. Very, very slowly.
One step at a time.
My eyes and ears and senses are open.                  I do the work that needs to be done.
Action. Stillness.
Action. Stillness.
Move with the river.
                 Move with the river
I Am.
I will.
I do.

I AM

Blessings with your creations!
Love
Sage

Writing a blog is certainly an interesting experience. Its strange how choosing to write a blog makes me observe things in my life from a different perspective. I often feel I am coming from a place of witness as I experience my day to day life more so now than I have ever before. I also find myself letting go and trusting when I feel called to write another post.

Today is such a day....and I have absolutely no idea what words will be coming out of me. 

I take a deep breathe and I ground. I ask for guidance. A necessary act many times during the day. Every day. The act of surrendering my ego and turning myself over to a greater power. 

I am reminded of the many blessings in my life and the many changes I have gone through in such a very short time. I am grateful to my allies,  physical and non-physical, for the tremendous amount of support I have received as I have moved through the dark night of the soul. I am thankful for the privilege to now become an ally or guide for others who are opening themselves to truth and are willing to step into a place of action to create the changes necessary in their life in order to become whole once again. So many of us are so fragmented. So many of us have split our selves from our souls and so many of us have no knowledge whatsoever that we have even become this way.

I have been blessed in that I have been able to be with truth and bring back those parts of myself I had abandoned for so many years. I was recently reading Clarissa Pinkola Estes' book "woman Who Run with the Wolves" and realized again at a deeper level how many of us women have given away the wild instincts within us in order to obtain those things in the world we thought were necessary for our survival. Those things we were "told" were necessary for our survival. I have also been reading through Caroline Myss's book "Sacred Contracts" and was reminded of the four major archetypes of Child, Victim, Prostitute and Saboteur  that are at play in our lives every day. 

It was actually a small act at work that seemed to precipitate this reading and brought it altogether. A very simple choice that turned out to be a choice that had great significance in bringing back parts of myself I had lost. The simple act I did was to say "no". Simple as that, yet turned out to be a paradigm shift in my relationship to the Victim and Prostitute's archetypes. I had broken a pattern of taking responsibility for others choices and had not been willing to "sell myself" for the sake of external acceptance or validation. As quoted in Carolyn"s book, "I made a commitment to myself to act in behalf of my own well-being no matter how uncomfortable it made those around me." At the time I did not realize I was making this commitment. Things are no longer the same as they were. A simple act. An act I have made many times before yet this time one that seemed to have shifted everything. Perhaps I have shown my Self that my loyalty to my "Self"  is steadfast.  A simple thing to let my Self know that I am no longer willing to betray or abandon my Self to please another or avoid conflict or whatever the consequence. I am willing to be honest and speak my truth and I can live with the consequences of my choice. All to be true to me. To integrate my being so I may become whole. To become who I am meant to become. Be whatever She asks.

The only reason I can now live with these consequences is because I have walked through the dark long enough to build a level of faith that I know without a doubt if I follow what has heart all will be okay. Day always follows night. Always. All will be as it is meant to be and I am ALWAYS taken care of.

I give thanks to those spiritual teachers who have brought me here. Especially those who through dark and terrifying acts forced me to see truth and take action to save my Self, my Soul. As Souls I will love these people forever for helping me evolve. As humans....it is best I continue to set my boundaries and keep a distance.

May all who have the niggling feeling something is wrong, something does not feel quite right have the will, courage and strength and to begin to listen and ask what they might do to honor their own Soul, seek out others to become allies with and become who they truly are.... Truly magnificant beings.

Blessings and Love

Sage

Early tomorrow morning is the new moon. A New Moon in Cancer. May be potent considering the moon affects water and Cancer is a water sign. The moon will be in Her element. Makes me think about my experiences lately and how it feels like every day my path is becoming clearer and clearer and how I too am feeling aligned and in my element. I am definitely moving downstream with the river.

Depends largely though on my ability to accept and trust whatever Life hands me. Easier sometimes than others. It seems the farther downstream I go, the deeper and truer I see myself. I have been invited to look at some truths beyond the ordinary world that are triggering a lot of old paradigms to emerge. Paradigms that have kept me trapped in old illusions of how I have defined myself. Trapped but "safe" as well. Words and images are arising that tempt me to swim toward the shoreline and start walking back to where I came from. Lately the words "this is ridiculous" keeps repeatedly popping in my head. Thoughts about how I may be a mad woman. Slightly crazy 'they' might say. As I listen to these words emotions start simmering and I feel a touch of the old anxiety beginning to tremble. Old fears of being ostracized, ridiculed and judged.


It seems I have some choices to make. I can turn my face, my being around and go back to the safe old illusions or I can choose to keep going downstream. I could choose to swim to the shoreline and sit on the shore quietly with these words and images. I could take the time to interact a little more closely with these thoughts. Ask it questions, seek to understand the root of it. Perhaps as the Buddha says I can even sit down and invite these frightening thoughts to share a cup of tea. The more I breathe in these notions of looking ridiculous or crazy the more I am able to separate myself from the attachment I have with them. The more I am able to integrate them into my whole being.


Thorn Coyle calls this "Integrative Magick". She shares a wonderful exercise called Kala or a "rite of unbinding" that has helped me tremendously. Simply put, in this exercise you get a chalice or sacred cup and sit down with your breath, circulating your energy and filling your body with the Life force. After grounding  you hold the chalice in your hands and begin breathing in that thought or feeling you wish to unbind or heal into the water. Once you feel complete with this you then connect again to Life Force, feeling Her fill you and flowing into your being. When you feel full of her essence you begin sounding a tone into the water. Her tone. Her essence of love. When you feel the water is full of Her essence you drink the water down, imagining the water flowing through your body bringing life and healing. Giving thanks and a prayer. (you can see her book "Kissing the Limitless" for a detailed description )


Aligning with and accepting all of whom I am is the key to my evolution as a soul. Owning all parts of myself. Crazy and logical. Ridiculous and sensible. Dark and light. I am all of these things and until I learn to sit down and share a cup of tea with every aspect of myself I will never be whole. Time to sit again....and again and again. Sit and walk. Simultaneously. One foot in front of the other. I am The Fool beginning her Journey. Again and again and again.....


Blessed be your journeys!
Love 
Sage

I have been contemplating what to post for the last few days and have not been clear what to share until now. I think most of this is primarily because of resistance to 'what is' in my life right now. Once I catch myself I find it somewhat amusing to look back and see how I had gotten pulled in to "self" and what "I" want vs. what is.

Much of this week has been about clearing out, being still and feeling a sense of emptiness. Allowing myself to just be here continues to be a challenge. So often my old self will sneak in and begin pushing, asking questions, 'trying' to figure out what to create next. What is my work? How am I going to get it started? How am I going to create more money? When? How? Where??? Each day I have to return to my practice and meditation and sit in the stillness, sitting in this state of emptiness I am in. Each day I have to be with my breath as my anxiety begins to simmer inside my heart. Each and every day I have to remind myself to let go and remember who I am.

I remember. I remember when I sit against a tree whose leaves are still and curled in because of the sweltering heat. I remember when I am blessed with the presence of a praying mantis willingly stepping on to my hand and turning its face to turn into mine. I remember when I connect to the cycle of the season we are in. The heat of the noon day sun. The plants are full with life and conserving their energy. Animals sit quiet keeping to the shade, drinking lots of water.I do not have air conditioning. I feel the heat and must become still as Nature Herself or I feel the exhaustion. I eat foods that cool my body and choose activities that honor my body and celebrate my life.


 I  realize my impatience, my niggling to create more, to create something comes from the need to be consistently in action. Thus is our society. Production, results, success..... I am blessed; however,with teachers all around me. Human, four-legged creatures and plants. I am reminded of those things that are most important in building a sacred life. Structures and foundations. I have not had the patience for these. My story was that of rushing towards the high of the spiritual ecstasy and experiences. Thrilled with the spectacular realities that are within and without us all the time. It was spectacular at times but nothing was sustainable . There was no foundation which to land. No healthy base to come home to. Each and every cycle I came back to the same place of chaos and crisis and dissatisfaction with my life. Sabotage. Depression, pain and restlessness. 


I now understand. Foundation creates opportunities for everything else to flow. Healthy foundations, healthy life, healthy ecosystems. You have a healthy ecosystem the plants and animals, the life within that ecosystem thrive and flourish and become beautiful and strong. You nourish that ecosystem and care for it, providing it with the honor and love it deserves it will produce what it has been created to produce. 


As within so without. 


We are ecosystems. If we feed our bodies, our minds, our hearts and souls with that which is whole and pure we will naturally evolve as well. If we practice stillness and patience and trusting the flow we will grow closer to our true essence. Trying to force growth and movement brings nothing but further struggle  and emptiness.  I worked in greenhouses and it was very clear to me that those big beautiful plants that were fed with fertilizers may appear bright and beautiful but once you got close there was an absence of smell. There was nothing. We can try and make all these illusions and appear beautiful but if we do not make a commitment to our foundations and structures we too will be nothing. 


Commitment to structure. Commitment to foundations.  I am learning to have patience. I am learning to wait. I am learning it takes time to build good solid foundations. I am learning. I commit to continue to learn and build those foundations as Nature Herself would build them. I am open, willing and ready. I am present. I Am.

I woke up this morning and realized I had  not changed my calender over to July and what I read when I turned it over was exactly what I needed to hear....plus it felt like a great little piece to share this morning:


Wherever you Stand

Know there is a river flowing now, very quickly. It is great and swift, and those who are afraid will try to hold fast to the shore. They will suffer greatly, for in this way, they shall feel torn asunder. Know that the river has its destination.


We must learn to let go of the shore, even take to the torrent. We must keep our heads above the water and our eyes wide open. See who your companions are, and be glad!


Tread this world lightly; leave only a trace.
Everything that you see can be a sacred space.

So wherever you stand , be the soul of that place.

(Celtic Blessings calender, author unknown)


This is so fitting for me right now. Standing and Being the Soul no matter where is a high challenge at times. Lately I have been feeling propelled to let go of some groups and other things and it is leaving me with this great sense of emptiness and "aloneness"  (bordering on loneliness). I even cleared my altar and it sits there pretty well completely bare. My insecure, vulnerable self wants desperately to move into a place of self-pity and control; pushing me to do something so I don't have to feel this way. I choose to remain solid in my faith. I am being asked to sit still and wait. I pulled the Seven of Pentacles in my Tarot reading yesterday and it said it also very well;

 "Seven of Pentacles reflects a situation where we are called upon to decide between the security of what we have already built and the shaky, uncertain possibilities of a new direction which may or may not lead to future success. One pole represents the safe choice, although there is implied in such safety the danger of stagnation and even misfortune if something "divinely inspired" is rejected in favour of what is secure but lacking in vitality.The other pole represents something possibly risky, even dangerous, perhaps 'immoral' in the sense that it flies in the face of popular opinion..."

Staying where I have been definitely felt safer. I felt part of something, I belonged somewhere. I didn't expect to feel so alone. Now I am in the river flowing downstream and have no idea where it is taking me. I have a choice. I always do. Some time ago I made a commitment that I was going to honor my heart and follow where it was leading me even if it made no rational common sense. I was going to develop a stronger trust in my self, in my own intuition. Well I guess now its up to me to decide if I hang on tight to the shore or trust, let go and go for the ride down the river. Danger, intrigue and mystery.....That to me sounds like it could be a  heck of a lot more fun so I guess I might as well get on with it. Eyes wide open...

Enjoy your ride!
Blessings and peace
Sage

Well this has been quite the process. Thank Goddess for daughters who are equipped with knowledge about computers or I might have never made my way here. For most people this weekend is a time of activity and vacation yet for me it is the absolute opposite. Well, in essence it is a great time of activity, its just that for me much of it is internal.


It is a time of beginnings for me. A beginning yet an ending at the same time. Life is like that. There can be no new life without death of something. This death is about a death of invisibility, smallness and conditioned illusions. A death of self-doubt, silence and the need to use my small self/my ego as a means to create change in my world. 


It has taken several years to get to this space where I give voice to the lessons and awareness I have gathered. Several years and many battles, but I made it here and its time to share my inner musings and new states of consciousness. As far as content...that remains a mystery. This will be in the hands of Life Herself. I know I'll be guided to speak what needs to be said. I will remain open and let it emerge of its own accord. I will allow Nature to evolve in the way it will because I have learned enough times that getting out of the way brings about many fascinating ideas and events in my life.  The Full moon is almost with us. Perhaps I too am almost at my fullness...for this cycle anyway. 


For today, may Life be with you and may you be with Her in Her fullness as well.
Blessings and peace
Sage