Well its been a little bit of time since I have written here. I keep visiting here, checking within to hear what needs to be said and all that arises is vacancy...until tonight. Tonight I received a message loud and clear just to speak from where I come from right now.

So, where am I then?

I seem to be in the middle of nowhere, a time of complete still and quiet. I keep seeing a vivid picture of myself laying on my back on the river, not doing anything but letting the river take me where it wants. If you can remember last time I spoke about the speed at which everything had been moving, and boy was it moving for a good number of days. I guess I am in sync with the moon right now though as I am in the dark just as She is. I am really becoming aware of the power of letting go, trusting and moving at the right time, knowing I will receive guidance for the next step exactly when I need it. When everything is aligned and perfect.

Fascinating thing is it truly has been different than any other time before. I seem to have left the tremendously huge bags of doubt and anxiety somewhere in my past. I have even developed the ability to act immediately upon the guidance received and move only to the degree which I have been led. That was NEVER the case in the past. Oh, I had dreams. Big dreams as a matter of fact; dreams that swam around everywhere within my mind, yet I could not get myself to take the action to bring them into my physical reality. I just had too much mud and debris clogging the stream. Thank the Goddess I was blessed with the courage, strength and tenacity to get my hands dirty and start digging in the muck....and man was that a thick stagnant mass of muck! (So in fact all those years surviving abuse and trauma were a beautiful gift! I would NEVER have gotten this far without all those situations to push me to find these traits within myself)

So, I dug in. I dug until I could completely own, accept and eventually embrace all of that muck with love. It definitely got dirty and I remember there were days I pleaded because I did not think I could take anymore. Days where I came so close to submitting completely to the dark I was not sure I could come back up. Yet I ALWAYS did. Every single time I was given what I needed to come out the other side and back to the surface.

Every single time.
Every single time Life Herself stuck out Her hand and brought me what I needed.

I remember the patterns though. I remember them well. The gifts would come and my climb back out would commence. I would begin to have hope and see promise. Dreams of a new life , a new way of living would emerge and I would become determined to make them happen. I would become like the bull charging the muleta that the matador holds and waves around in a bullfight. Interestingly,what the bull does not know is behind that red cloth is a sword that will be used to kill the bull, and that the red is used to conceal the truth of the blood spilled after the kill. The analogy works perfectly because I did not see the truth of my drive/ my passionate "will" towards my goals. I had no idea that what was behind that "cloth" was everything I needed to sabotage or "kill" whatever dreams I had awoken.

I have since learned to free the bull back to the wild and honor the movements of other creatures such as the turtle and spider or even the jaguar. Only to name a few. The animals have so much to teach in the way they go after their mate, their prey or their food. Or simply the way they live in harmony with Nature Herself.

The simpler I live and the less I carry (internally and externally), the more I am able to reflect that alignment with the One and the more Life opens to the magnificence so many of my teachers have always spoken of.

For so many years I have been able to move forward because I chose to believe that those who walked before me were telling the truth  that anything was possible. I am now beginning to taste it. I am now beginning to live it and I am excited beyond measure to be in a place where I can give back to others in the way that those others have given to me.

The trick today is to allow. As I said I am in stillness right now. I have done all that I know and now I wait. Patiently.
....and I am thrilled because it is a new moon in a couple of days and that means right now we are in the darkest time of the moons cycle and I have not gone to my own darkest places as I have before.

I simply Am

in the dark
and
 that
       is
          okay!

Blessed be All!
Love,
Sage
 

Wow things are moving fast. I have no doubts in my mind about time speeding up as I can barely keep up with the shifts and changes in my internal and external world. Seems as soon as I receive an insight and I begin following that insight, a stream comes off of that one opening another before I even have time to sit with the first one. Talking about flexibility, detachment and flowing with the river!

Its actually quite exciting because I have never felt this ability to allow and surrender as I am now. So often in the past I would receive an insight and immediately begin creating this beautiful fantasy in my head and then begin the process of doing whatever I had to, to make it happen. I basically tried a lot of the techniques and tools I learned in books and from our general society. I would make grand lists of things I had to do to accomplish my goals and set time lines. I would plan the fantasy down to every detail and collect all the information I needed to make it happen. If obstacles got in my way I would say "screw you" and keep pushing forward. I was certain these were only challenging and testing my ability to keep moving forward. Well, I definitely did create my "fantasy". Only problem was most often it came from my small human mind  (which by the way carried a lot of baggage and very crooked, destructive thinking - of which I had no idea were even alive and well within me at the time) So, of course you can imagine what kind of reality I continued to create throughout my life.

Initially my fantasies would feel great. Initially I would be a powerhouse, a bull and my creation would unfold ever so quickly. The initial romantic stage is always so much fun. Problem was I never wanted to leave that stage. I did not like to sit on the ground and deal with the mundane. That was boring. I thrived on the thrill of manifesting and visualizing and creating great destinies in my mind. Little did I know I was terrified of success and I was terrified of failure. I had absolutely no confidence in my self that I was even remotely able to be successful. I was just making it all happen. So, of course the beautiful saboteur inside of me was always ready and willing to step in and ensure it never progressed to the next stage of the relationship. The 'house' so to speak never got built. Well, the roof did. Only problem was there was never a floor, a foundation to stand on.  Many, many scattered projects that ultimately never led to anything. Many scattered dreams and wishes held up in the sky by nothing. Nothing strong. Nothing solid and nothing sustainable. I was left with....you guessed it...nothing.

I could never achieve that feeling of happiness and contentment I heard so many talk about. It always seemed to be beyond my grasp. No matter how hard I tried. That is the key word. I tried. I did not 'allow'. I didn't even know what that was at the time. I would move so fast I never gave myself a chance to know anything about underlying levels.  I never thought about taking the time to explore the entire 'house' I saw before me and learn what was beyond the beautiful landscape and architectural walls outside. Never even dreamed of looking in the "basement". I had no time for that. I needed to create and I wanted it now. I mean come on. I live in a society that is all about immediate gratification. How could I not want it right away? Follow Natures' timing? Wait for the signals and signs for the next step? You got to be kidding. Nature moved WAY too slow for me. I'd be a 100 years old before I ever got anywhere!

As is obvious through my sarcasm I learned a great many lessons through my journeys. I have crashed and fallen so many times its a wonder I am still alive and moving forward. Its a blessing really. It truly is the grace of the Universe that I am where I am today. Grace and a willingness to consistently look deeper and further to find the truth about what was wrong with my life and how I could make it right. A willingness to meet those demons (many, many frightening demons I must say) face to face and eventually allow them to be a part of me, yet be my master no more.

So here I am. More doors are opening and presenting themselves faster than I can even think them up. Beautiful, amazing doors that I never even knew existed. This time is different. I have learned my lessons and I have developed a faith and knowing  beyond all I ever knew my entire life. This time I choose to listen to the calls of Nature and my own internal guidance system. This time I choose to pay attention when I feel those feelings of doubt, fear, anger and worry. I choose to acknowledge they are telling me something. I have the strength and confidence now to listen and trust I will be shown. This time I trust my intuition and I honor it. I own my Self as a wonderfully wild womyn.

I have called my Self, my desires and passion to me. I have done away with the debris cluttering my mind and my home. I acknowledged the importance of having a foundation to my 'home' rather than building a house in the sky. Now all I have to do is pay attention and act on those things that are leading me down the path that will take me there. No more analyzing, figuring out and beating my head against a wall trying to understand what to do next. Now I know that everything is already there, waiting for me. All the people, the money, the tools and supplies I need are all there. I just have to match my vibration to it so I can see and touch it in the physical realm. I have to be Nature Herself and discipline myself to move in Her time. Then the 'house' that is built will be the most amazingly, beautiful creation you and I have ever seen.

Whew.
Well I better take it one step at a time. Very, very slowly.
One step at a time.
My eyes and ears and senses are open.                  I do the work that needs to be done.
Action. Stillness.
Action. Stillness.
Move with the river.
                 Move with the river
I Am.
I will.
I do.

I AM

Blessings with your creations!
Love
Sage